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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shadowed Heartsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Twisted
    Elite Ratio:    7.47 - 159/57/75
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 629
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 882



    Description:
       This is through the help of my uncle, god bless you, thanks so much, and also since I have been neglectant with the way I'm suppose to thanks ALL the talented artists at deviantart.com!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShadowed Heartsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    How dark is my heart through these times?
    Within these shadows figure laugh,
    without remorse or care.
    From the past of outreached hands,
    to joy has stopped and will not last,
    Within the darkness, a heart can drown,
    without a scream, without a sound.
    In the shadows of gray, commitment we slay.
    Through the darkness no light can penetrate,
    like no hands can capture my heart.
    As the sounds of the sun go rushing by,
    the darkness rules and light dies.
    As I pray, lay me down to sleep,
    within this moment of time,
    As memories fade and desires we leave behind,
    that we realize we lived in vain.
    Black, spiraling down like a waterfall,
    went through a crack in the wall,
    and fell down upon us,
    with ease and great depression






    Submitted on 2006-09-07 20:20:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      your imagry itself was so far from lacking, and I get this on a lot of my own work so i know how annoying it is to hear, but i think what would have made this one a better write is a slight alteration in format, some parts seemed a little forced. i'm not sure how to explain it except that i thought it could have been more fluid, your point was well made though, so overall? it was a good write, good but not 'awe-inspiring'. i liked the basic idea though, i'll have to check out some of your other work .
    ~jess
    | Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I THINK THAT THIS PIECE IS ONE OF THE BEST I'VE READ ON THIS SIGHT. SOMETHING DIFFERENT FROM THE REST. YOUR EMOTION LURKS BEHIND EVERY WORD, WAITING TO LEAP OUT AND POUNCE ON THE READER. I REALLY LIKE THE WAY YOU WRITE. DON'T STOP.......


    -DALLAS-

    -TO BE DAMNED IS TO BE SET FREE-
    | Posted on 2006-12-02 00:00:00 | by DEATHISMYMUSE | [ Reply to This ]
      Sorry, just not feeling this one. It seemed forced, like you did it just to do it. The sequence isn't balanced too fondley, and again it's just one lumped up stanza. Your alliterary skills are awesome, it's just sequencing them in a formidable read.
    | Posted on 2006-11-18 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked the piece,
    I think that you conveyed your feelings in a very individual way,a very brave poem.
    I just wrote a poem with simular subject manner and I liked your spin on the matter,
    Thanks
    Twice
    | Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by Twice | [ Reply to This ]
      There were a few parts of the poem that caused a sort of mental burp within the reader, such as: "Within these shadows figure laugh," and "As memories fade and desires we leave behind." It doesn't didn't seem natural, neither grammatically, or in relation to the poem itself.

    The imagery was rather fresh, compared to how these poems tend to go. The image "spiraling down like a waterfall", was particularly vivid, and causes the reader to pause on that point for a moment. At first glance, a waterfall does not seem to spiral at all, but in the more artistic sense, the water certainly seems to overlap itself, much in the way the memories and desires you describe do. While it's a somewhat murky connection, it is still there nonetheless, and is probably the high point of the poem.

    "Sounds of the sun" was something new I'd never heard before, but I didn't quite catch the significance of the imager (or rather, the audio). What did it really mean? I couldn't tell.

    Overall, the poem was alright. Besides those mental burps, it wasn't that bad on a whole, and was quite easy to read. A good piece, overall.

    -Chris
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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