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Betrayed


Author: PiperH
ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253 /299 /172
Words: 103
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 975
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 717



Description:


The story of a crazy man obsessed with revenge. I don't know what possessed me to write this, but I still kinda like it.
Let me know what ya think. :)


Betrayed



Crimson blood
on the floor
on his hands
and so much more

betrayed by his love
he gets his revenge
she never knew
how much she'd hurt him

smiles are gone
but his remains
what's done is done
and so is his pain

there once was life
until it was torn apart
he took his knife
and stabbed her heart

he had been broken
but she didn't think twice
for not caring about him
she paid the price

no one knows
what lies inside
what you may show
others may hide










Submitted on 2006-09-08 15:45:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  good poem. good wisdom.
trust noone.
u never know what someone else might do or have done.

i watch to many horror movies.

laterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Aylin.
| Posted on 2007-04-04 00:00:00 | by WD-40 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is very well done. Very deep, and dark. It shows a lot of deep emotion. I really like it. you are a very good writer. It opens up perfectly and quickly grabs your attention. Then draws you in with the well written body of the piece. And the end perfectly finishes it off, leaving you with a good sense of closure.

Great job.
I like this piece a lot.

Very well done!

peace.
-Kamerin
| Posted on 2007-01-13 00:00:00 | by Kamerin Brown | [ Reply to This ]
  For the most part this makes sense. You don't express the fact that the girl betrayed him first though, and it seems like he may have just killed her out of cold blood. Or even as my first impression was that it was simply an overused metaphor that he broke her heart. Make that clearer at the beginning and it will make the whole poem clearer.
The fourth stanza seems superfluous and meaningless. We get the idea that she's dead from the third stanza, and the fouth just goes on without being spectacular in any way. The last stanza seems kind of disconnected, but with your description it is perfect. So again, make it a little clearer and it'll be great. You shouldn't need a paragraph to explain your poem, it should explain itself.
| Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by freshcookies | [ Reply to This ]
  It's definately a lot more clear now, nice job. I don't really get the line "reminders are stains". It would make sense "stains are reminders" but that wouldn't rhyme. I dunno if you mean what you wrote and I just don't see what you mean by it, but just think about it. Also, the line "until it was shredded apart" is way too long for the flow. I don't really believe in giving suggestions of what to change it to, cuz then it'd be my line and not yours, and my line doesn't belong in your poem, but try to shorten that line. Other than that it looks pretty good to me. I think I'd understand it a lot better now.
| Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by freshcookies | [ Reply to This ]
  Whoa, this is very deep. A little dark and gory, but deep and powerful none the less. the flow is really go.The only thing i would change is in the second stanza last line
reminders are the stains
I would take out the "the" just to make it fit better. I love your last stanza it'a so sweet.
Excellent job
pEAcE
liz
| Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by smartblond | [ Reply to This ]


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