Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Apartments and cracked fingernailsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: all the english boys
    ASL Info:    15
    Elite Ratio:    2.76 - 173/239/46
    Words: 126
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1243
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 845



    Description:
       well, my new apartment is on the third floor and looks into the apartments next to me. yup


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsApartments and cracked fingernailsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    a sickening anesthesia spreading through my open veins
    staring at a wall opposite my window
    llooks ike a million sheets of sandpaper
    stretching and spreading like a disease
    twenty feet above a decaying wooden fence
    cannot even see the ground
    if i strain my fury-filled eyes
    i can see through the inch-thick windows
    neighboring people drift by in a ceaseless blur
    a lone hand, cracked at the fingers
    cheap nailpolish garish next to the blinds
    she too is blind
    will never bother to inquire of me
    we'll turn her eyes to the constant drone of the television set
    while making cheap macoroni and cheese
    the milk has gone sour
    she's lost this staring contest
    where i can see her
    and she'd rather just not see me




    Submitted on 2004-05-21 21:09:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this poem has a great harsh urban feel to it... the ills of modern society with their microwaveable dinners in front of the tv and the nailpolish that doesn't hide the dirt under the fingernails anymore. it's excellent..

    i just feel that some of the language doesn't suit the subject matter.. "to inquire of me" for example sounds too 'queen's english' for this poem.

    other than that i think it's great.. i'm divided as to whether or not punctuation would make it more powerful.. but if your instinct was to go without punctuation then it's best to stick with that :)
    | Posted on 2004-07-14 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      i think i just figured out........it was meant to read "will never bother to inquire of me" shalom.
    | Posted on 2004-05-21 00:00:00 | by spitacidsoot | [ Reply to This ]
      "will never both to inquire of me" doesn't make sense to me. that is the only thing that threw me off. seems like you were people watching? sounds like something i would do if i lived in an apartment like that. the descriptions put me where you were, in some place. the perspective on this is neat too. there was probably something else i was going to say, but how about this: it's going in my favorites
    | Posted on 2004-05-21 00:00:00 | by spitacidsoot | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    11732

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Giving written by jjd
    Linger written by saartha
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    The Promise written by annie0888
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Incubus written by monad
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry