Description: There's not much to say about this poem. It was forged of a great idea, but my writing skills aren't that good so I wasn't able to do it justice. This is my best attempt though and I'm always open to suggestions as something doesn't seem right about this piece and if you have any comments on how to better it, please be my guest.
On a sheet of innocence I drew myself,
using death's ink to form the lines.
Careless strokes created a hollow shadow
black and white on a somber tablet.
This etched ghost sat empty,
lacking spirit and force,
longing internal spectrums.
The plain paper embodiment
of a fractured man
required limitless torment to portray fact.
The wretched tones from which to compose
this sadistic sketch were set
to a torturous hue
then vivid colors,
attained from sinister palates,
were utilized to fill the figure.
The eyes were painted with regret,
and glossed with misery.
They told tales of grieving loss
within a life of melancholy.
Anguishing guilt coated the heart
outlined by suffering abound.
The page stood still as the fading pulse
wept and bled uncontrollably.
My mind tinted with pain and sorrow
made subtle the high-lighted remorse.
Artistic words never written,
on a canvas where thoughts could be read
cover the memories engraved in gray-matter.
I traced costly wars to model my hands
decorated with pride and scars.
Pigments of hate layered over rage
junxtaposed to formulate the frame.
Once complete, this striking piece
spoke with a depicted voice;
screaming litanies of brilliance and sin
recorded in each breath of vitality:
A malevolent caricature bred new life.
I don't know how to possibly give you any suggestions for this. It was great, especially the [big] wording. lol. I don't know why you don't think this is good, but it IS. The Caricature you [of yourself?] you painted was very good. Sorry I can't help with suggestions. Full of the depth and emotions,
Ok. *Looks at you seriously* You told me to be honest. Honestly. I don't like the BIG LONG stanza. But, hey, that's what works for some people, and that's how I even write some of my poems. It just..kind of took away from the piece and the beautiful words you used. And, I was thinking if you broke it up, maybe somebody could drink in the words you used better.
But, honestly, the words you used. Were terrific. I'm going to be like completely honest here. I'm a vocabulary whore. And, your poem right here gave me the biggest serving of awesome voculary I've ever seen on this site. I'm not bull-[censored]ting you either. It was like....a breath of fresh air. I was like "Holy crap!"
The message itself was insightful and deep. It did speak to me a bit. But, I'm not going to lie and be like, "I can completely relate, nice flow, blah blah blah, <Insert Jimmy's example of bad comment here>!"
i like what you have done here. personally i would be up for a lil more structure to this piece just to make it easier for the reader to keep their place. i found myself getting a lil lost and rereading lines or missing a line and having to go back. there seem to me to be some natural break points throughout the piece and i would disagree with your statement in your description that you arent good at expression... you have tremendous capacity to do so here. so im just gonna copy and paste and show you a coupla changes to think about and where i would put breaks. you dont gotta do anything with the ideas at all.
On a sheet of innocence I drew myself, using death's ink to form the lines. Careless strokes created a hollow shadow black and white on a somber tablet. [This etched ghost sat empty, ] lacking spirit and force, longing internal spectrums.
The plain paper embodiment of a fractured man required limitless torment to portray fact. The wretched tones from which to compose this sadistic sketch were set to a torturous hue then vivid colors, attained from sinister palates, were utilized to fill the figure.
The eyes were painted with regret, and glossed with misery. They told tales of grieving loss within a life of melancholy. Anguishing guilt coated the heart outlined by suffering abound. The page stood still as the fading pulse wept and bled uncontrollably. My mind tinted with pain and sorrow made subtle the high-lighted remorse.
Artistic words never written, on a canvas where thoughts could be read cover the memories engraved in gray-matter. I traced costly wars to model my hands decorated with pride and scars. Pigments of hate layered over rage junxtaposed to formulate the frame. Once complete, this striking piece spoke with a depicted voice; screaming litanies of brilliance and sin recorded in each breathe of vitality: A malevolent caricature bred new life.
the line in italics at the start i would take out completely. it just doesnt seem necessary to me.
the overall idea and message of your piece is interesting. the imagery and ideas are so dark and dry and seemingly hopeless and yet at the end there is life... that kinda interests me as life is sposed to bring hope and a future however small. you call this a caricature which is also interesting to me. caricatures are usually jokes and yet this is anything but. it may however be lacking perspective of how things really are... perhaps things arent as bleak as they are painted to be here... i dunno. but you have painted your ideas well.
Well, I like it. This one I like a lot. There weren't any really obvious errors, except for your use of the word "breathe" in the second-to-last line, instead of "breath" (breathe is a verb, breath is a noun....I breathe in and out vs. in the cold I can see my breath...etc.) Furthermore, all of the larger words that you used...I knew already. So the wording wasn't an issue for me in this one. I might suggest breaking it down into stanzas, simply so that it's easier to swallow, but that's about it.
So, yeah, I did like it....I guess I'll check out more of your writing....perhaps I didn't give it a fair chance before, eh? Well, we'll see.
I am so stupid, I forgot how much I loved your writes, this was so f.ucking awesome and with most good writers the original idea is better then the actual execution of the write...it's not lack of skill from the writer, it's just some things can't be put into words perfectly...you still did a damn good job. I say this like every time, I'm WAY jealous of the skills you claim not to have......you paint the most vivid pictures that become more clear the more you think about it, so the first impulse is almost always a little spooky and then the whole point just really hits you. I Loved your wording throughout most of this but if anything had to be changed it'd either be the flow or the meter...neither of which are huge 'problems' in my point of view but some picky ppl might [censored] about that.....they can go piss off tho. peace && luv, ~jess ~~~I miss you.....u never seem 2 want 2 talk so I just leave u alone most of the time.
I think you did a good job writing this. There were a lot of big words.. lol. It didn't seem like you held back anything, so that's great!
I think you're saying that you're painting a portrait or in this case, a caricature of yourself. (or maybe somebody else) In the painting, you show what the characteristics of the person being painted. Also, in this poem, you described it very well. You paint a picture in my mind, of what it looks like. I think you are very good with words..
If this was really a painting, I think it would look great! Keep on writing.
You have a decent facility for expression and is almost unashamed of the outcome.
However, there were times when I feared that a few segments of this piece may have been overdone. (Anguishing guilt, etc...) Sometimes, it felt as though you were too vivid.
Now I have no problem with being flambouyant but my concern is that it is seems as though you have rendered your piece in a state that is "too easy." It doesn't demand much from your readers.
But maybe that's just me.
Anyway, like I said, I do feel that you are talented. I think that the only thing that lacks in this piece is control.
Hmmm....
But then again, sometimes it's best to lose control and fall into madness for the sake of piecing together what is obscure; for the sake of creating beauty... one most be closer to the heart of the Universe than to the walls of the mind.
I guess what I'm saying is... if this piece works for you, then you have my respect.
Submission Name: Caricature
and with most good writers the original idea is better then the actual execution of the write...it's not lack of skill from the writer, it's just some things can't be put into words perfectly...you still did a damn good job. I say this like every time, I'm WAY jealous of the skills you claim not to have......you paint the most vivid pictures that become more clear the more you think about it, so the first impulse is almost always a little spooky and then the whole point just really hits you. I Loved your wording throughout most of this but if anything had to be changed it'd either be the flow or the meter...neither of which are huge 'problems' in my point of view but some picky ppl might [censored] about that.....they can go piss off tho.