Description: DISCLAIMER: This is purely fiction, and has in no way, shape or form happened to me.
Some people has issues with a former work, hence the disclaimer. This just came out of my head the one day...and I would love your honest opinions of it. Thanks
it started as red
passionate red
couldn't get our hands off of each other
and then it turned to
black and blue
as your hands kept hitting me
green envy from everyone else
who thought we were perfect
this black hole began
sucking me in
believing this despaire was normal
the physical pain inflicted by you
was a display of your love for me
and then you showed your love for our
daughter
more bruises for her
i see red
blood red
as i could not take
this pain anymore
no colors anymore
fade away with the pain
white peacefulness if left
hopefully she will escape
his madness
in a better way than me
Interesting, good ideas and a great format. You need to work on skimming more than just the surface, if there is a disclamer I would have thought it would have been deeper than this. I liked it and all dont get me wrong. It's just the lines like "couldn't get our hands off of each other" and "green envy from everyone else" seems a bit to contrived and takes away from the feel and the idea you where trying to go for, well what i felt you where going for. Seel youreself off from the outside world and just wright girl, i know you can make this much better, work at it and make it compeltly your own. Sorry if i was a bit harsh just sayin what i thought.
Talk to you online.
Liam
This is really one heck of a powerful write You speak Great Truth with this one It takes a coward not a man to inflict pain be it emotional physical or sexual on any woman I can only imagine the mind of a person who has been so abused and brain washed to believe the reason he is beating her is because he loves her For being a person who has not experienced this You captured the emotion and the pain hidden behind it perfectly Very sad but extremely powerful write!!! God Bless Ron
i think that this was wonderful and had great imagry. latly i have been reading a lot of work with great images for me to see. i think that you put this together well. you see her pain. great job
Wow, great concept. I'm glad to hear that you do not know first hand that kind of pain, but you write as if you do. That's quite an achievement. Stirring, in a word. The only line I have a problem with is "no colors anymore." The lack of punctuation makes this line run into the ones preceding and following it, and to say "with the pain" seems a bit redundant. Suggestion: "this pain anymore those colors anymore they fade away away as one"
or, if you meant you were fading with the pain rather than the colors, clarify: "this pain anymore no colors anymore I fade away with my pain"
Just suggestions, and it's by no means a necessary change. Overall, very well written. Ah, the anal aspect of my mind notices a typo in the "white peacefulness if left" line. Should that be "is?"
I love the repitition of structure with the "red" lines, it really gives the poem a solid feel, a rythym. I also love the change of perspective, from speaking to the man as "you" to calling the man "him." It really illustrates the shift in your perspective, from the "active" role of being abused, to the "passive" role of hoping for better for the daughter.
Forgive me if I am rambling, it is late, and I am tired. Enjoyable read, nonetheless, I'm glad I was up for it. Thank you.
this is a powerful piece. describes the beginning of a normal and intimate relationship but the guy is overpossessive and begins to dominate his love abusively.
as a kid, i've seen this with my own eyes, not something you can ever forget. you feel helpless because you haven't the strength to stop it or the voice to command.
alcohol can bring this monster out in people too which is a good reason to refrain from it
on another note about the disclaimer... i get what you mean. in high school in grade 12 twelve english we had to give a FICTIONAL report about a book and I gave one in the Gor series about a man named Tarl Cabot that went camping in the Colorado mountains and ends up on another planet that is on the same orbit as Earth but on the other side of the sun.
I must have done a good job with the report because one of the students came up to me after and asked me if it really happened, I had to laugh.
Submission Name: Colors {sensitive subject matter}
