Create by Sagirlie

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Submission Name: Create dots

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Author:	Sagirlie
ASL Info:	16/F/Essex
Elite Ratio:	4.83 - 48/39/24
Words:	98

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	78
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	592

Description:

Create

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Create

Create your own world but do not dwell
Carry your dreams and live them well
Don’t live your life inside your head
Your hopes should be seen not just read

Live your dreams but don’t dream your life
Carve your memory without a knife
Aim for a smile rather then silver or gold
Enjoy youth and you’ll never be old

Seek until it’s real and all around
Faith is wings so get your feet off the ground
See not through eyes but through the soul
Life is a drama so enjoy your role

Submitted on 2006-09-09 17:37:50 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hey there! I like the easy rhyme of this and the simple thought behind it. Live your dreams don't dream your life... lovely way to see it. There are few things I would do...

Leave off 'your' in the fourth line (the 'your' is a bit redundant in this) of course, it throws your syllable count so take it or leave it.

Carve your memory without a knife... just doesn't fit in with the scheme of this to me... not sure what to suggest.

Aim for a smile, not silver or gold... would help your rythym there.

You don't really need the word so in your last verse... I think it sounds better without.

I am no expert so these are merely opinions. I will reiterate that I like the thought behind this. If more people would live their dreams the world would be a better place.
| Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by kiddo13 | [ Reply to This ]
  The rhyming and message of this piece was definitely crystal clear and resonating. It was original, uplifting, and encouraging.

We often find ourselves overtaken by depression, and this piece seems to hold hope up in the air for us to take and use. It relates a positive message that can make us realize the futality of our depressed broodings, and that is really what makes me like this piece so much.

"Carve your memory without a knife" was my favorite line. So many teenagers--even adults, sometimes--can end or damage their future by being suicidal or being a cutter. The memories of the dripping blood leave memories full of utter sadness. This line specifically spoke to me because it is completely true. You CAN carve your memory without a knife. Sometimes you just have to see past the difficulties in life.

Excellent work, Sagirlie. Keep it up. I'd love to read more.

---Restless
| Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]

      First with the technical stuff: On this line, “Faith is wings so get your feet off the ground,” it seems to throw off the rhythm a bit but I’m no real expert on rhythm and rhyme so you may want to get a second opinion to that one.
      By far, one of the most positive messages I’ve seen in a poem lately. Simply it’s too easy to be melodramatic and hate the world – but what has the world done so far but simply try to survive? Survival is sometimes confusing but by no means should you destroy it in order to be ‘alive,’ as if the things that present themselves around you are negative and haunting in that image everybody wants you to be miserable. It simply is not true. It’s like the maxim “the world is what you make it.”
      So we live on a spinning rock made out of clay and everybody here is a sculptor, an artist. You can make a beautiful vase while at the sculptor’s wheel or you can cut it down to make an ash tray while you burn everything you love into a poisonous atmosphere.
      What hits home the most (and consequently put me in this rambling ordeal) is the mention that life is a drama and not only do we have each a part but we should learn to love that part. Probably the best philosophy to live by. Not everybody can have the lead role, not everybody gets their fifteen minutes, and I think it’s true that we don’t normally take turns, but things will keep spinning from as much as I can tell.

| Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by rouge wave | [ Reply to This ]

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