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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: There You Aredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Magnolia Steele
    ASL Info:    30/female/Northwest CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 2492/1825/232
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1205
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 614



    Description:
       I wrote this poem for my father who passed away 3 years ago. I dream of him often and swear I can feel him here with me. Although his body is gone, his spirit is everywhere I am. I would add more, but it hurt too much to write this much of the poem. i know it is not perfect or my best, but it is from my heart. I love you dad.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThere You Aredots
    -------------------------------------------


    There you are...

    in the creases of my mind,
    unfolding in dreams,
    revealing your love quietly

    in the early morning breeze,
    hiding behind the wind,
    as you touch my hand softly.

    in the music on the radio,
    singing with me
    to our favorite song happily.

    in a old photograph ,
    smiling with pride,
    as you pick me up gleefully.

    in a place I can not go,
    waiting patiently,
    as you look down below lovingly.

    There you are...








    Submitted on 2006-09-10 01:59:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Triggie(Sorry I just love that name!!)

    This is so beautiful
    You know from reading my writes and my comments to you that family means everything to me
    In the middle of this write I started tearing up and I could only think of my dearly departed Grandmother (Mema) Up in Heaven
    This is so true and beautiful
    I know like you do about your Dad that my Grandma is waiting there right in my Heart waiting for me to ask her for help
    She will always be with me just like your Dad will always be with you
    I havent cried an emotional tear in a while Triggie
    Thank You for letting me release some much needed tears
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I had written a comment on this once; but I didn't know I forgot to post it. lol, I just came back to read it again and thought I'd see what I had written before.

    Anyways, this was sad and heartfelt. I think you should leave this the way it is, not only because it's personal but also perfect.

    Your father is a lucky person to have such a lovely poem dedicated to him,


    A
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      u know...as much as i can't stand my father. i would be hard pressed not to mourn his passing. sometimes i don't think he was the best dad but he's always been a great provider u know? and he's always been there for me i don't know...i liked the poem but now i keep thinking bout my dad dying
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      It is almost always difficult to write these kinds of poems. You have my sympathy for your loss. These become so personal, so much is hidden in the lines that others cannot see or interpret, that it is equally difficult to critique. Yours is far less personal than some, and has a broader more general appeal as poetry. You deal with feeling his presence in your life, which is something we've all experienced. You give us images to which we can all relate, "in dreams. on the wind, in music." "In a place I cannot go," is as surreal as you wish be in this one. That gives this a tone of reality, of real loss, of honest pain. We feel your grief. A genuine expression of missing someone. I loved it.

    Suggestions: S1 Why not make L1 a stand-alone, like your closing. S3 - L1 Change "song" to "music" to avoid thr repeat. S4 - L1 Change "photo" to "photograph" and drop "of you and me." This becomes apparent in L3. S5 Drop either "for me" in L2 or "on me" in L3 to avoid the repeat.

    That's all I would offer at this time. I enjoyed reading this, sad though it was. It seemed very honest, straight from your heart.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't believe that I'd change anything about this, and it wouldn't be my place to begin to do so. However, I can say that this is one of the most reminiscent, happy mournings I've ever read(sounds odd, but it's a long story, the happy mournings thing) I personally think that it's got a complete feel to it, and don't think it needs to be longer, just as a piece, mind you. You've not gotten to be droll yet, and you've made your point quite nicely. However I think that you could expand on it, just to have said the rest of what you feel, though if you ever did, I believe that it may be something that you may want to consider keeping private, something just for you and your dad.
    Anyhow, This is definately a good piece, and is among your best, though it's not quite as refined as many of your pieces, it has enough raw power to make up for it. It sounds like you and your dad were close, and I trust that one day you two will see eachother again.
    Until then, Salaam.
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by Rastine Aristat | [ Reply to This ]
      and you need write any more than that. beautiful. just beautiful. and I am sure your father knows this and is with you, watching over you. bless you catrina.
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a most loving and heartfelt poem. So sad and yet beautiful all at the same time. I can so relate to this write as I too, have lost my father and also many others who were dear to my heart. Several people passed through my thoughts as I read this and I too, miss them so very much. Death is such a hard thing to accept as it doesnt always get easier with time. I find that all that time brings is missing them even more. But the memories are always alive, in the mind, and precious photographs that capture that moment in time, to be cherished forever. My only suggestion for you is when you say "There you are". I think those three words would make such a strong impact if you started the poem with them and then didnt use them again until the final three words.

    There you are...
    in the creases of my mind,
    unfolding in dreams,
    revealing your love quietly.

    in the early morning breeze,
    hiding behind the wind,
    as you touch my hand softly.

    in the song on the radio,
    singing with me
    to our favorite song happily.

    in a photo of you and me,
    smiling with pride,
    as you pick me up gleefully.

    in a place I can not go,
    waiting for me,
    as you look down on me lovingly.

    There you are...


    Of course it is a mere suggestion, you really dont need to change a thing about this. It is from the heart and so personal that I even hesitated to suggest any changes. Feel free to disregard, just wanted to share my thoughts with you. This is truly lovely.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm so sorry about your father. I wouldn't know how to cope with my father dying... although I know it will happen one day. Thank you for sharing this with everybody so that I got the oppurtunity to read and feel your poem. You are a talented individual and would like to read more. Hopefully not as sad as this one though.
    Holy xx
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by Holy Wood | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm sorry about your dad. I know losing a parent has got to be hard. This reminds me of my granny. You know, I think you could just say "There you are" once.

    There you are...
    in the creases of my mind,
    unfolding in dreams,
    revealing your love quietly.

    In the early morning breeze,
    hiding behind the wind,
    as you touch my hand softly.

    In the song on the radio,
    singing with me
    to our favorite song happily.


    In a photo of you and me,
    smiling with pride,
    as you pick me up gleefully.

    In a place I can not go,
    waiting for me,
    as you look down on me lovingly.

    That's your call though.

    I hope all is well,
    Amy




    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this. sorry for you loss. i think that this was a great piece it flowed well and the imagry was nice as well. great work
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, very sweet Trina... nostalgic and warm and all that furry feeling stuff lol.

    Dunno what to say... it is what it is... and it evokes that feeling.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      tehre you are...
    very sweet as always you are good at it, i can not imagine this eliteskills without you i missewd this much .. and i really did, well a good write i really enjoy it .. but i got tired of teh "tehre you are" but i think that it is good in some way , do not take it serioously please. it is just my point of view.. you know you are a better writer than me ..
    please take a look tio my writing and have a nice day
    peace and love
    Victor
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh Triggie, this is just perfect. A love between a father and a daughter is a very special kind of love. Your love for your dad rings out loud and true.

    My dad passed away 16 years ago, and I miss him every single day. I know exactly where you are coming from.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      For me personally i love this peice more than almost anything i have ever read from you. personally i think that peoms are best whent here is so much feeling and epower that it makes the reader share in the pain that you feel, and for the time it took for me to read your peice i could place myself in your shoes and almost feel the love you and your dad must have shared. i cannot imagine what its like to lose a parent, and im really sorry for your loss. i hope that writing this has helped you to deal with the loss of your dad. but like you said even though he is not here in the flesh, he is always with you in spirit. girl i loved this peice. andi personally feel that this is one of your best because it is so heartfelt. great work, take care....Joy
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by sweet_rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      I won't be giving any useful advise or whatsoever because i don't feel like it, but it doesnt need any, anyway.
    This was very touching, you did a wonderful job writing this.. I bet it must have been hard. . He'll be proud of you writing this
    That's all really. I thought you would just like to know I read it and liked it.

    Janneke
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there,

    A very lovely dedication, it paints a very warm picture of someone who meant a great deal to you.
    No need to add to it, if my daughter is moved to write such a piece with my passing I would be very happy about it indeed, thanks for sharing.

    Nicely written
    TTFN
    V
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]


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