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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bare Feet and Heartsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Swanne
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 258/206/43
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 227
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 743



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBare Feet and Heartsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    Hey,
    Let’s runaway tonight
    Our feet bare and blister
    I’ll wear that hippie dress
    To flip up
    And get us a ride
    Hey,
    I see your doll eyes peeking
    I kiss you thumb
    It tastes like guitar strings
    Even miles away from music
    Hey,
    You want to be a part of me
    In starlight you look beautiful
    I’m glad we came here
    With you sly hands and stale smell
    Hey,
    I wake up in my make up
    Want to bathe with you in the river
    But I only watch instead
    Whisper you won
    Hey,
    Is this how my life ends?
    Pushed up against this tree
    You lift up my dress
    And explode inside of me




    Submitted on 2006-09-10 04:55:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really like this.
    I have read it so many times, but I really can't find the words to explain what I think about it.

    Hey,
    Is this how my life ends?
    Pushed up against this tree
    You lift up my dress
    And explode inside of me


    I love this most, it is a really powerful ending to an extremely powerful piece.
    I'm glad I found you!
    Take care and God bless.
    Frann. x
    | Posted on 2006-10-19 00:00:00 | by Effee | [ Reply to This ]
      Very creative, it was like this girl was sharing her deepest thoughts as she ran free with this guy for one night. Tasteful with the sex scene. But I liked the way you made it seem she had to tell him all this before the act was done, as indicated with her saying "hey" at the start of each stanza. Vivid imagery and solid wording. Great flow. I think that this was one of your best. Great work!

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done. The narrator comes through clearly and effectively. Other than 2 times you wrote 'you' instead of 'your' (lines 9 &16), nothing I can see that needs to be changed. Excellent.

    Peace, love and all that other junk,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]



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