Description: i'm actually at a loss for a title (hint the 'devoid' title.) all things are welcomed. JUST made this one up as i was thinking that i needed 20 submits (lol, j/k). i did just pen it from the top of my head. it's been a very hectic night at work and this is actually been building up.
it's definitely about trying to fall out of love by remembering all the bad things he's done to you, but falling right back into love (even if he doesn't love you) b/c ... well... you don't know why... lol. as always, feedback on the newbie poem is appreciated as i have not yet edited it. thanks!
Jagged scars running down the hilt of my fingers,
They are the swords that cut into your flesh that night-
They hold the puckered flesh of dejected love
and tell the stories of remembered delight.
Empty vastness cramming its way into my chest,
It is the tempered void that fills my ribs-
It binds itself to an ivory protector
and forces its way past my lips.
Rabid sentiments flowing your way,
They are the quotes of borrowed pens-
They sprung from the love you so casually spurned
and bred in the cesspit of the heart's crib.
Mellowed emotions gone from our pact,
It is only the hate that remains-
Shallow pity from the likes of you
and there's your hand around my adoration again.
This makes shivers so that's a perfect start for a tale of love and hate - surprising how so akin the extremes can be... The language is hymn-like or the way a tired knight might speak. Only one suggestion for you: a comma at the end of the line of the 3rd stanza then: breeding in the cesspit of the heart's crib. Maybe just slightly better evokes that image of writhing in ordure... I like this poem a lot. By the way. K
i adore the idea of fingers telling stories of remembered delight. wheni read the classification, i was expecting the usual teen angst 'you all hate me i can't describe my feelings but i will anyways and make a horrible mess of it'
but you bring maturity and aplomb to your writing. me telling you that you are a good writer is facetious. we both already know.
this definitely is a heartbreak tale. i like the last sentence because it was so original and true. i know i felt that way before, but i never described that feeling. cool. emeraldjealousy have you ever heard of the polyphonic spree? they're a pop symphonic band i got into in late 2002. bye
Submission Name: Devoid
