** Inconspicuous Journey by Caotic

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Submission Name: ** Inconspicuous Journey dots

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Author:	Caotic_Disaster
ASL Info:	16/F/Canada
Elite Ratio:	4.03 - 447/349/148
Words:	105

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nature
Total Views:	179
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	709

Description:
Kinda sux. Don't know if I like the title yet..i think its too boring..i dunno..what do u think? Needs some work..tell me what you honestly tihnk...tear it apart and spit it back out..thanks..Me

** Inconspicuous Journey dots

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Running through the night,
On the back of a majestic beast.
Merely a shadow among the stars,
Which accompany the moon,
The only light to guide us.

Over the solid ground,
Tense muscles quiver in the cool air.
The breeze embracing us,
as we start moving faster and faster,
So the night can no longer keep up.

Mind racing, the land stretched in front of us,
Beyond comparison to anything else.
Legs whipping back and forth, steadily,
‘Til fatigue hits the massive body,
But, the soul still lives on.
And, tomorrow the flight will continue,
Just as beautiful and mysterious as before.

Submitted on 2006-09-10 14:38:21 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  hmmmm....yes I did like this one, but I agree it could use some work; basically I thought you did really good with imagry and putting the reader into the write, I didn't find a problem with that in the least bit. but I think that you could have made the length of a few of the lines a bit more similar to the rest and you could have worked on the flow because both reading it silently and outloud I got the impression it could have been more fluid. I do really like what you're saying though and the concept you brought forth was definatly an interesting one. also in L18 you had a type where I think you meant "conTinues" not a big deal though it happens to me alot too. as for a title? maybe untold fairytale? or repeated battle? you don't have to take those into consideration though I just like the way they sound anyway hope I helped a bit; it was a nice write it just needs a little touching up.
peace,
~jess
| Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, first off, you seem to have a poem that has a nice idea about out running the night. I would suggest these things to improve it:

1.) Use more colorful words for your imagery. You give details, but it is in a direct way, very simple, and made the poem bland.

2.) Since the beast is a major reason you are able to be so fast, tell ,ore about the beast and why, not alot, butgive the reader some feedback, why a beast, what kind is it, what does it look like? that kind of stuff.

3.) There was a typo, fatique, should be fatigue.

4.) A title I think of when I read this is Night Quest.

I hope I was of some help to you and look forward to hearing what you think. If you do edit this and make changes. please let me know. Overall, really nice, but a bit bland in imagery and details.

Catrina
| Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  I use well basically the dictionary to find better words. That's my personal reference. It make me feel like you wrote that for someone who was like a warrior. A beast running from something. It interested me. Since I love this show called the Ronin Warriors. I reminded me of Ryo on Whiteblaze. A tiger. The title of this story I could see would be either Wildfire or Whiteblaze.

DUDE!!! Now that I think about it!!! IT DOES remind me of Ryo riding on Whiteblaze and he's charging into battle. A battle sequence. Getting there, the arrivel. And maybe it even pertains to The Never Ending Story. LOL

All in All I enjoyed it.
| Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by Solitary Blue | [ Reply to This ]


Running through the night,
On the back of a majestic beast.
Merely a shadow -Among the stars,
Which accompany the moon,
The only light to guide us.

Insert Space Here

Over the solid ground,
Muscles quiver in the cool air.
The breeze embracing us,
Moving faster and faster,
So the night can't keep up.

Insert Space Here

Mind racing, the land stretched in front of us,
Beyond comparision to anything else.
Legs whipping back and forth,
Til fatigue hits the body,
But, the soul still lives on.
And, tomorrow the flight continues,
Just a beautiful and mysterious as before.

Alright. All my corrections to puncuation, grammar, spelling are in bold. *Sighs* But, other than that. This piece was good. It painted a picture and carried the reader through a story with words. You did acheive to pull me in and keep me until the end. As for a title, here are just a few ideas.

"Moonlit Ride"
"Taming The Beast"
or
"Cresting Carefree Dreams"

Good write.

BCute<3

| Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  A title for the most part is a catch phrase, catch there attention with something original, and it could be complete slop and get you positive feedback.

Find your own muse in naming your work and you will raise your skills just that much more.
the write itself was fairly well put together, had an alrite topic(in my eyes) and flowed alrite, tho it could use a bit of work, but what couldnt use work :D.
| Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
  it took me back to the time when my girl friend was alive and we used to wirte storys of magical places and big fields with magical beast it brought a tear to my eyes becasue of the pain it reminds me of but thats good becasue it got the message across it made me feel like i was there i think you should have talk about the feel of the beast for example

So the night can no longer keep up.

the thick mane. jet black smooth to touch
with a stary shine mystical beads of desolate places
i grip as we glide through this
as we fly....

crap sorry but its just what i feel

love it i love it i love it

Rak
| Posted on 2006-09-25 00:00:00 | by dark figure | [ Reply to This ]

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