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    dots Submission Name: I Lust Youdots

    Author: screamALEX
    ASL Info:    19/M/PA
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 40/93/49
    Words: 217
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1377
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1391

       woo wee.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Lust Youdots

    I Lust You

    She’s a tulip in the
    an angel lost in
    a manifestation of God’s
    greatest creation,
    only to be caged inside that
    feeble cell.
    So lets see what really scares her
    then dig a little deeper.

    I love it when you talk to me,
    in that tone.
    Tell me baby,
    what’s it like to be
    These sheets tell of treason
    never told before.
    So hold my hand to
    relive it once more,
    and block out the hate
    that leaves you feeling like a whore.
    We’ll scream together at the climax.
    Judge me?
    Fuck you.
    I’m just laying out the facts

    Today is but a
    new day,
    to reminisce
    old things.
    And bring back pain with lost meaning.
    Lies lost in translation.
    I’ll admit I was a sucker...
    for your face.
    Three words for a taste
    Three words to dispel the
    It’s not what I see in me,
    it’s in you that I see the
    God bless our lying hearts.
    Time to quit we’ve gone too far.

    I will always remember the good times.
    lust is a white powder form of love; still gets me high.
    you will never be mine.

    Submitted on 2006-09-10 14:48:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Lust...have that [censored] going on right now...I am absolutely lets say in love with this guy, that i can never have. Why, not because he doesn't like me, but because it just wouldn't be right. I have a boyfriend and he's got his girl, but oh my god. It drives me nuts not to be able to have him......oh my god...can you tell me how you deal with lust. I really do love my boyfriend. But lust is all for the other guy. So do I have to choose? Love or Lust? What would you choose?~Ashley~
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by redeemer | [ Reply to This ]
      i once wrote a piece about 'i lust you'
    i decided it would be one of THE most interesting things to say to someone... just to see how they responded you know...

    i lust you...

    lust just isnt enough...
    you know... its like second rate...
    trashy and no good...
    lust... half baked love... without the yeast... and the flour and everything else that makes bread rise and form and whatever...

    i like the progression of this piece...
    the way it starts off sounding like love and ends very not...
    love and lust are often mistaken and rather easily infact...

    i think the first coupla lines are kinda cliché in their origins and sentiment. not too bad though but just enough to kinda niggle...

    your "so lets see what really scares her and then dig a little deeper" line fascinates me but kinda throws me at the same time as i cant quite establish what you are saying but i know what i am making it say lol (im good like that... i dont know if ive commented on your stuff before but yeah... i never make any sense...)

    your second stanza is stunning.
    i think it is made stunning by the last two lines of the first stanza as well as the realness/rawness of the emotion and situation in the second... seriously stunningly put together...it is here that i get the idea that this 'relationship' is one of convenience perhaps... to ease those lonely nights...
    dunno if you've heard of it but theres a song thats prolly kinda old now by the Whitlams that sings "theres no aphrodisiac like loneliness..." it used to be a favourite of mine... thats what the second stanza reminds me of...

    sucker for your face
    not sure i like the line though it does remind me of another song i loved once... "i was talking not two days ago... to a bar tender im lucky to know... and i asked henry my bar tending friend... should i bother dating unfamous men and henry said/... your lucky to even know me... your lucky to be alive... your lucky to be drinking here for free coz im a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes..." yup... prolly unnecessary singing right there...

    anyways... to cut a long comment short and render everything ive said til now useless... i like what you are saying in and through this piece and i think you convey your overall message very effectively... yup... good on you.
    | Posted on 2006-09-26 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      again, i find myself wondering why in the hell you have minimal feedback....i think i'm going to have to not only fav this, but start stalking you again..
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]
      I absolutely loved the beginning of the poem, particularly the first two lines, though the second may border cliché.
    "She’s a tulip in the
    An angel lost in
    And the reason I'm not too upset about the second one, in terms of the reference, often times over-used, of an angel in hell, is because of the verb, lost. I thought that was entirely accurate, and instilled a deeper meaning into a previously old phrase.

    I did feel that the rhyming in the second verse of before/more/whore could have been better handled. It felt a tad redundant, and I think with editting, you might be able to cut down that redundancy. Also, I would suggest changing the second 'story' in that section to another word, lest THAT become redundant as well.

    The end of the third verse also struck well with me, particularly
    "It’s what I see in me
    In you I see the secrecy
    God bless our lying hearts
    Time to quit we’ve gone too far"
    It's like your hearts used love as an excuse to lust, and that's something that I've been through, experienced, etc.
    The only problem I really have with the third verse is
    "Three words for a taste
    Three words to incarnate
    I thought that 'incarnate hate' might have been more effectively used, and that it perhaps didn't fit majorly into the rest of the piece. You 'remember the good times', but if you incarnated hate with the three words, then where would the hate be in the relationship? I think a line more focused upon the intrinsic meaning of the poem would function more effectively here.

    In the I LUST YOU section of the poem, I think that the line following LUST could be better formulated to extrapolate upon the rest of the piece, but other than that, I like that section.

    I felt that the ending was perhaps the weakest part of the piece, but that could be easily changed or added onto.

    Again, though, good work. I liked it.
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by Fade ElBrunen | [ Reply to This ]

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