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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Moment I Feel Alivedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: od9.1.04
    ASL Info:    15/f/oh
    Elite Ratio:    1.68 - 18/38/19
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 68
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 718



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Moment I Feel Alivedots
    -------------------------------------------


    they say it's a place
    that you go when you die
    a place of wonder
    a world in the sky

    they call it a dream
    the ones in your sleep
    with your eyes closed
    what only you can see

    they say it's a wish
    anything can come true
    anything is possible
    all the things that you do

    I say it's heaven
    a place of dreams come true
    the only place I want to be
    where I can be with you


    I say it's a place
    when i look into your eyes
    it's a moment of happiness
    a moment I feel alive











    Submitted on 2006-09-10 16:58:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think it is very original how the whole poem you are talking about Heaven, a place o death, yet the very las line of your poem is
    'a moment I feel alive'
    Very unique. Just some suggestion. Actually I have tons of time. I'm going to do a stanza by stanza review. Mua ha ha. Actually I'm just goin to rewrite the poem with the changes that I tihnk should be made in it. This could include punctuation, capitals, words, lines, etc.

    "They say it's a place,
    you go to when you die.
    A place of wonder;
    A world in the sky.

    They call it a dream.
    A palace you visit in your sleep,
    With your eyes closed;
    Which only you can see.

    They say it's a wish.
    Can't anything come true?
    Anything is possible
    All the things you can do.

    I say it's heaven.
    A place of dreams come true.
    The only place I want to be,
    Up in the sky with you.

    I say it's a place,
    Where I look into your eyes.
    It's a moment of happiness;
    A moment I feel alive."

    Just a few suggestions in there. Check them out and good writing. Awesome.
    ~Caotic~


    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]



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