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    dots Submission Name: Pain and Sufferingdots

    Author: riki_nl
    ASL Info:    20/M/NL
    Elite Ratio:    2.39 - 20/18/6
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 638
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 709


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPain and Sufferingdots

    The pain I feel is cold
    It feels so real
    But it's way too old
    For me to say what i truly feel

    This blade is my release
    Freeing what i have been through
    Finally may i find inner peace
    Death is what this turns into

    The scars on my arms
    Are a show of the pain
    Just what are my harms
    Which are left by this blood stain

    You could have saved me
    But you went your way
    It would have been easy
    But you made the choice to stay

    Here I lie bleeding
    I'm too numb to move
    My life is the one fleeing
    While this day is removed

    Submitted on 2006-09-10 17:15:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I have a few things to pick with this poem. First off, it's way too cliché, you've taken these overused lines and reused them once more to the point where I can't even stand to finish the poem.

    I mean, if you're going to talk about dying and cutting your wrists do it with some originality! If you don't know what I mean, read heartlessnames 'transcendand tendancies' Now there's originality for you!

    Also, to help you steer away from these clichés are the ever so handy thesaurus! It's easily accessible and free, just go to dictionary.com, not so hard, is it?

    By the looks of your age, it seems you should have some picked up on some of these things, if not then it's truely okay, anyone can start poetry at anytime, just know we're here to help. ANd if you don't know what a cliché is... it's an overused/stereotypical sentance, phrase of expression which is a common thought or idea such as 'I cut my wrists, I slash my wrists, the pain is killing me.' Ways to avoid these sorts of things are rearranging the words and using a thesaurus!

    I guess since I spread all this negativity on your page... I'll give a lighthearted comment.

    Okay, I think this piece is honest and portrays your views on life, of the pain you're going through at the moment. And I understand how poetry is a good release for things such as these, but the clichés are overwhelming. Sorry, that didn't work out so well.

    ANyway, thanks for shraing and I hope you take care until next time. I'll stop by and maybe check out your work once more! I hope my critisism comes in handy, if not then Im sorry. I dont mean to offend! Have a graet night.

    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by Rask | [ Reply to This ]
      good poem...it was a little sad though but ya..maybe you could do something more happier next time...keep writin

    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by Amberger | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanks =]
    Mmm, this is really good.
    I love how it's all put together.
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by Xx_bang_bang_ | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. Some of it is very depressing and sad. This made me really think. Good job.
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by Mythicalfrog | [ Reply to This ]
      good,but sad and depressing,but good nevertheless..keep it up,but maybe somethign slightly more cheerful next time?
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by redxtreme | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. :) its sad and depressing, but hey thats how you feel when you write it, and it helps so much just writing it out. I dont like the thought of cutting, but if thats what you do then alright, you did good expressing it in your writing. Keep it up, let the writing be your release. :)
    The only part I didnt get was how the person went on their way, but later chose to stay.
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by dreamer37517 | [ Reply to This ]

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