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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ivory and Silk, Vanilla and Lilies.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tenirsk
    ASL Info:    16/F/N/A
    Elite Ratio:    4.16 - 4/17/29
    Words: 284
    Class/Type: Prose/Romance
    Total Views: 124
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1807



    Description:
       


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    dotsIvory and Silk, Vanilla and Lilies.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Whispering sweet nothings, “Ivory and Silk, Vanilla and Lilies.” An innocence brushed away by the pain of tears. Sweet girl, encumbered by faded smiles.

    Hallow foot steps, hallow words, echoes and silhouettes. Bring close her heart and cherish. Dare not grasp her too firmly less she slide to sand and slip through tapered fingers. Dare not hold her too far, less she shivers to ice and turns brittle under tapered fingers.

    Whisper sweet nothings, “Lilies and Vanilla, Silk and Ivory.” An innocent caressed by passion of love. Sweet girl, blanketed by tender smiles.

    Soft foot steps, hushed words, echoes and silhouettes. Bring closer still her heart and cherish. Dare- grasp her gently, while she trembles to life under attentive fingers. Dare- embrace her close, while she warms to fire and turns passionate under attentive fingers.

    Whisper sweet nothings, “Skin of Ivory; Silk to touch…’ An innocent grasped by entrapments of flesh. Sweet girl, wooed by devious smiles.

    Faded foot steps, abandoned words, echoes and silhouettes. Take her heart and clench. Dare not leave her too broken, less she lay in pieces and cut hesitant hands.
    Dare not turn her to shadows, less she tremble in fear and evade hesitant hands.

    Whisper sweet memories, “Ivory and Silk, Vanilla and Lilies.” An innocent crumbled by love of dreams. Sweet girl, misguided by bitter smiles.

    Empty foot steps, empty words, silences and a silhouette. She brings closer still her heart and cherishes. Dare- watch her closely, while she stands proud under scrutinizing eyes. Dare- forget her folly, while she strides proud under scrutinizing eyes.

    Whisper nothings, ‘Sweet as Vanilla; Pure as Lilies.”




    Submitted on 2006-09-10 20:14:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hello,
    Great imagery! While I read, I was able to clearly picture a girl disintegrating into sand, breaking into bits. Maybe you could continue these later in the piece where you used more humanly terms, as you're very good at this.

    Take her heart and clench. Dare not leave her too broken, less she lay in pieces and cut hesitant hands.

    For some reason, I absolutely loved this part. I just picture a real hand clenching a real heart, and it's such an ...almost sacrificial image, of the girl to her lover.

    Whisper sweet nothings, “Lilies and Vanilla, Silk and Ivory.”

    Sweet nothings. I like this a lot too. They truly are nothings, as sweet and luxurious as they are.

    Anyways, it was very well written, and the form helped to strengthen the tone.

    thanks for the read,

    Brian
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by Saline | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that in this paragraph, "Hallow foot steps, hallow words, echoes and silhouettes. Bring close her heart and cherish. Dare not grasp her too firmly less she slide to sand and slip through tapered fingers. Dare not hold her too far, less she shivers to ice and turns brittle under tapered fingers."
    you mean to say "hollow", right? Either that or "hallowed", but "hallow" doesn't fit. Also, where it says "less she slide to sand", the word you meant to say was "lest"; the same with the "lest she shivers" line... Lest means, like, 'in case'.
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]



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