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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Defiant Farewelldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jengrr
    ASL Info:    20/McBain
    Elite Ratio:    5.85 - 95/104/22
    Words: 246
    Class/Type: Poetry/Alone
    Total Views: 884
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1639



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDefiant Farewelldots
    -------------------------------------------


    The sky wept
    Its glassy tears sprinkling down
    Drop
    By drop
    By sullen drop
    Upon the silent men

    Tall, broad-shouldered, and bleak with
    Foreheads slick and grimy from sweat
    Which trickled down
    Past the empty eyes
    Across a pair of lips pressed in a tight, flat line
    And descended down a squat neck into
    A damp, faded blue shirt bulging with thick muscles
    The only sound issuing forth
    An occasional grunt
    From beneath some unruly weight

    Their hands ugly,
    Scarred and rough, leathery and callused,
    Tainted by their thoughtless task
    By innumerable homes torn apart relentlessly
    Piece by wrenching piece
    Moved with purpose as silent and grim as death,
    In and out
    Out and in from the old brown house
    Carting away the precious memories
    Memories separated from the cruel outside by only
    Flimsy tan cardboard
    Passed through the mist and stacked
    In an awkward jigsaw of furniture, boxes, and tethers

    In the lean shadow of the house
    Between a twisted cedarís branches
    A young girl sits alone,
    Knees tucked up to her chin, hugged close by her arms
    Eyes glowing with threatened tears
    But held back by steel resolve
    At the echo of her name through the trees
    She reluctantly jumps down and
    After pausing for one final defiant farewell
    Takes the final few grudging steps away from all sheís known
    Towards the dirty rumble of the diesel truck




    Submitted on 2006-09-10 20:35:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Yikes Jen! You've become a much better writer since the last time I looked at your stuff. Your imagery is great, and you have wonderful detail. It's neat how you dedicate the verses to different aspects of the move.

    In the lean shadow of the house
    Between a twisted cedarís branches
    A young girl sits alone,
    Knees tucked up to her chin, hugged close by her arms
    Eyes glowing with threatened tears
    But held back by steel resolve

    This is my favorite part in this poem. I do recommend though that you may want to see if you could make some of your lines more concise. Good Job! Keep writing.
    | Posted on 2007-02-08 00:00:00 | by BrokenAngel | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! I'm really glad you reccomended this piece to me, because this piece is really moving...from the first stanza to the last, every word was gripping! The reptition in the short lines in the first stanza (drop by drop by sullen drop) was sooo effective, it really created a rhythm that drew me in. Then you proceeded to describe these men in such detail...I really could "feel" who these men were and how they felt! I loved the lines,
    "Foreheads slick and grimy from sweat
    Which trickled down
    Past the empty eyes
    Across a pair of lips pressed in a tight, flat line"
    how the sweat travels down the men's faces and you follow that that drop of sweat to the rest of the body...I love the "movement" you put into words!
    In the lines,
    "In and out
    Out and in from the old brown house
    Carting away the precious memories
    Memories separated from the cruel outside by only"
    the repetition is obviously there but subtle enough that you aren't bothered by it, it never gets too be too much, it is just perfect...because some people go overboard with repetition and it gets boring...but your lines are really lovely...
    I don't know what else to say, I'm really overwhelmed by this piece! I love it! I can't believe you only got two comments...I bet people who read the piece were too intimidated to comment because they couldn't think of any constructive criticism...I know I couldn't, sorry about that, heh...

    Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I was very flattered to be stalked by a great writer like you! Thanks a lot, I appreciate it.

    Keep on keeping on,
    TRAVWELL!
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by travwell | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! I'm really glad you reccomended this piece to me, because this piece is really moving...from the first stanza to the last, every word was gripping! The reptition in the short lines in the first stanza (drop by drop by sullen drop) was sooo effective, it really created a rhythm that drew me in. Then you proceeded to describe these men in such detail...I really could "feel" who these men were and how they felt! I loved the lines,
    "Foreheads slick and grimy from sweat
    Which trickled down
    Past the empty eyes
    Across a pair of lips pressed in a tight, flat line"
    how the sweat travels down the men's faces and you follow that that drop of sweat to the rest of the body...I love the "movement" you put into words!
    In the lines,
    "In and out
    Out and in from the old brown house
    Carting away the precious memories
    Memories separated from the cruel outside by only"
    the repetition is obviously there but subtle enough that you aren't bothered by it, it never gets too be too much, it is just perfect...because some people go overboard with repetition and it gets boring...but your lines are really lovely...
    I don't know what else to say, I'm really overwhelmed by this piece! I love it! I can't believe you only got two comments...I bet people who read the piece were too intimidated to comment because they couldn't think of any constructive criticism...I know I couldn't, sorry about that, heh...

    Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I was very flattered to be stalked by a great writer like you! Thanks a lot, I appreciate it.

    Keep on keeping on,
    TRAVWELL!
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by travwell | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Jen,

    I gotta tell ya that I think you are really sharpening your talents for your age especially.
    I like the way you put meaning in your writing and seem to be using your talent in a positive way.
    Though I find sadness in this piece the willingness to move on at the end is a definate positive attutude in my opinion.
    Good to see you writing again and as always I enjoyed the read.


    !doc'
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, putting your age into consideration, though I don't usually advise that, this is definately a good piece. You put together this defining moment with such insight and an almost quiet passion that could shake the best of us.

    What I liked most about it is how you were able to maintain such vividness without spoon feeding its primary wisdoms. It seemed as though you were almost afraid, or rather, overwhelmed by the truth yet you know that it is your duty as an artist to say it so you surfed its reality with hopes of giving us an idea of its depth. I think it requires great wisdom to surrender yourself to the obscurity of the Universe like that and it also requires great talent to make the surrender look exquisite.

    I also liked the tone you used. At one point, it appeared innocent enough to depict the probable weight being carried by the girl; her inability to accept it and her fathoms of fight which she already gave up before that last ounce that was stricken with the call of her name.

    Going for a deeper meaning, I think that this piece could touch a lot of things, even the fall from innocence, or the inevitable motion of time. Well that or the fact that there is change.

    Either way, the power of this piece, to me, is just moving.
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]


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