Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 9/11 tributedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: riki_nl
    ASL Info:    20/M/NL
    Elite Ratio:    2.39 - 20/18/6
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 837
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 906



    Description:
       Please tell me honestly what you think. If you think it is innapropriate, tell me and I will remove it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots9/11 tributedots
    -------------------------------------------


    On that clear day
    With the shining sun
    Children on the street that play
    All of that was suddendly taken away

    A dark shadow flew past
    A second later a mighty blast
    People yelling and screaming
    Tears on the face streaming

    A vile act of destruction
    Just to create this obstruction
    Thousands of innocents dead
    Not a word left unsaid

    We are not seeking revenge
    Seeking to avenge
    and find justice for these souls
    That now walk their eternal patrols

    Since then hundreds of lives taken
    Seeking the cause behind this
    We might have been mistaken
    By searching in that dark abyss

    Maybe one day
    This will be solved
    But till then stay
    While this conflict goes unresolved









    Submitted on 2006-09-11 17:50:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      No.
    Not inapproprite.
    I really like it.
    Reminds me of a poem...umm, It's called something like Inacus Alsorts or something.
    You may have read it.
    I really like it =]
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by Xx_bang_bang_ | [ Reply to This ]
      Firstly, I can't think of any reason why this would be inapropriate. Now, my opinion. I think this poem could need some improvement, I have to say the writing scheme seemed rather forced. And I don't like poetry to be forced. I like free verse a lot, because most of the poems written in free verse have more emotion, and I can really feel what the writer wants to say. I am not saying rhyming schemes are never good, but it really can kill a poem sometimes, because the writer can be limited in a way.
    However, you have chosen to have a rhyming scheme, but then you suddenly change it around, you skip from abab to aabb and then again to abab..
    And about your choice of words, there were parts that I liked the vocabulary, but in some places I didn't, like in the last stanza. with solved and unresiolved. Obviously they rhyme, but that is jsut because the 2nd word is the negative of the first. It's like rhyming a word with the same word.
    So. Enough about that part. You know, when reading this poem, I really had to think of the day it happened , which is pretty obvious, I know. But the thing is, I don't know everything really good, because 5 years ago.. I was still a child. I was only 11, and when it happened, I was breaking down the lego house I had made once. which indicates I really was a child back then. When I came downstairs, I saw my father watchin tv, I thought he was looking at a movie, so I asked him which it was, but he wasnt. The towers I saw, were not of some action movie, He told me it was real, and I remember looking at those picures .. for a very long time. It was exactly the way how you said it in your poem:
    A dark shadow flew past
    A second later a mighty blast
    People yelling and screaming
    Tears on the face streaming
    And now, looking back at it all, I realise it really was a dark shadpow. I seen this video, never released, made by amateurs, filming what happened, and the funny thing is that you donet see a plane, no where. Which is one of the mysteries.. which, according to me go really crazy when you hear about it, that it might have been a CIA complot.
    ..Maybe one day this will be solved...
    Sorry for rambling on and on, but this all is just what you made me think of, and I like it when a write makes me thinking.

    Janneke
    | Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one really touching write
    I think you did a fantastic job in keeping the memory of that terrible day fresh in our minds and hearts
    This definately carried a lot of emotion
    I look forward to reading more new writes from you
    God Bless
    Ron

    And Please allow me to be one of the first to Welcome you to Elite Skills
    I hope this site brings you all the happiness it has brought to me
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      i think this is really good very sad but a good write its an excellent way to put what happened into words i could have lost a sister in that disaaster but she got out i dont think it inappropriate in any way very moving piece adn an great tribute
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by blood red angel | [ Reply to This ]
      
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by blood red angel | [ Reply to This ]
      I dont find this to be inappropriate. It is just honest and states what has happened in your own words. I think you did a good job writing this one. This day will never be forgotten, so devestating and heartbreaking. I feel for every victim and their families. To lose someone this way is unimaginable. It is hard to believe it has been five years, I remember this like it was yesterday. This is a good write. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This is relevant and sad. It bring artistic nature to what happened. Good way of explaining it in words. It's nice and I appreciated it. Good work
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by Solitary Blue | [ Reply to This ]
      This is relevant and sad. It bring artistic nature to what happened. Good way of explaining it in words. It's nice and I appreciated it. Good work
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by Solitary Blue | [ Reply to This ]
      so not innappropriate....i love it...i dont know if that sounded innappropriate but it was a very good poem..i like the way u made every thing rhyme and the approach u made on this topic...im very impressed....now i really cant wait to read lots more from u...Very good job and keep writing
    ~Caotic~
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]
      Definetly not inappropriate. Its absolutely perfect. Everyone needs to remember 9/11, cuz it empacted so many people. And you wrote it down wonderfully.
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by dreamer37517 | [ Reply to This ]
      Honesty is what you wish honesty is what you get....

    On the poem i love how you made it rhyme it was simple yet passionet it holds a certain part of you as you read and it keeps a hold of you long after the words stop.

    THis is beautifuly poetic and it holds sadness along with many other emotions. i only wish to know what was going through your head to have such beautiful verces streaming out. this is an amazing peice.

    I am not very patriotic and i practice my democratic right to speak against our so called "leaders" yet this poem still holds much of me.

    This is a beautiful tribute and the many loved ones who lost so much that day i wish for them to read this sad but amazing poem. I am sad to addmitt i love this poem. Im sad to admitt this bc i hate admitting things period lol. You are an amazing writter and im honored that you have asked me to read such a glorious peice. i love this and shall add this among my favorites.
    thank you so much.

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...... It's really touching, I like it. Such a sad day it was, it deserves a tribute. You did a wonderful job on it.
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by DarkLadyWolf | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    117656

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry