This is good. I like the way you talk about things that most people feel but turn them around and make them seem new. It's the mark of a true poet. The first stanza is my favourite. What could be more dazzling than the thought of looking up at the stars? I do it all the time but instead of feeling I could move them, I usually wind up feeling very small in comparison.
your poems are definitely not all the same...they're like different flavoured chocolates from the same box - they're all from the same manufacturer but all have different flavours and textures. I hope this awful way of describing it helps!
I tried to comment on this days ago, but apparently it didn't go through. I thoroughly enjoyed this. I found it unique and original, in concept and presentation. Your intro said you were looking to be different. Since this is my first read of your work I can't say much about that, but in terms of originality, this is certainly different.
I read it as being about a relationship, maybe one with God, maybe not.
"watch / the sky"
"well accquainted with goodbye"
"losing you"
"sorrow"
"reform"
To me spell break-up, or lost love, followed by a pledge to live differently (reform). It's as if she can't get over her last lover, and wants to find a new form of happiness.
Suggestions: S2 - L3 "it's" might be better as "has." S4 - L3 Why did you change from "I" to "her?" S1&S4 Small "i"." Why not capital "I?"
Just thoughts I had reading this.
I felt kind of sad after I read this, felt a sense of loss, with a small ray of hope based on the "reform" aspects of this.
Now I must read more of your work to see this difference of which you speak.
This is different from your other work,but it still sounds like a part of it.I find through my reading of your poetry that its hard for me to be concrete in my interpretation,I could be making some all together obscure meaning to what you meant,and I'm sure you find that annoying so sorry if I'm wrong or whatever:
"some days all i do is watch
the sky"
forever wasting
time reforming
stars
Brilliant opening stanza,you can see it as such a large description of time and the cosmos in only four lines,
I think about things like that on the rare occasion my mind allows me too without going nuts,energy being continuously wasted,stars expanding,dying whatever,processes...why they happen,are they really happening etc all silly things beyond my control(thats how i deal with it).Perhaps a little too deep but it just reminds me of the wonder for better or worse humans have when viewing the stars.
a girl well acquainted with
goodbye
its a long way to go
to get over losing you
This is pretty self explanatory I think(though not basic by any means).A girl who's used to being hurt,going through tough times etc,will still have a long time to get over the loss of her loved one.
I like how you wish to be clear you mean this literally and not just for the sake of being poetic,thats what allegorically means doesn't it?I think so anyway...hopefully:-)
Were you say:
reform is stains of divinity
I think you mean that change has a divine element,which you have observed in the stars earlier,and just like them,we change.
I like this piece because i had to actually examine it and re-read a few times,getting different meanings as I went along,I like poems that have a little depth like that.
Of coarse my review or rather my thoughts could seem like complete mumbo jumbo!
I know however that feeling you get were you feel constricted by your own work,every now and then i need to take a break,I wont say find some inspiration but I just need time to let myself I dunno...rest
Your writing will always change though weather you like it or not (maybe thats a reflection you also meant to get across in this I have no idea haha I sound so unsure of what i say)
"somedays all i do is watch the sky" forever wasting time reforming stars
this is quite sharp. i like it. take off the quotes. give me the feeling one ges when lying down in the backseat of a car, looking up and out the window as it moves. the world goes by, but you don't move. time is unreal, you know it passes, but you feel no sense of accomplishment for night or day's arrival. i really like the last word. the simple image. maybe if the entire peice mirrored it more, like:
somedays all i do is watch the sky sun stars sun again
a girl well acquainted with goodbye its a long way to go to get over losing you
my problem with this stanza will be explained in a sec
i hope im not talking allegorically
i like this a lot. the tone of it speaks volumes. there's is a character there, a pain. i, though i could be wrong, read it thus: Even in my moment of pain, of disconnection from the passing world, i still feel the need to not make mistakes the world doesn't approve of; i am still constrained by, even though i owe nothing to this body known as the world.
the revious stanza doesn't seem as powerful to me. what's the point? and why the change in tone from there to here?
"I've met goodbye before I know him intimately. He lingers in my sight longer everytime i see him
and even when i don't.
i think something that keeps the voice of the following and preceeding might feel morepowerful
with sorrow recast blind men find her beautiful
i really like the stanza, but i do not know how to connect it to the idea of a more consistant tone/voice. but i like beginning "with sorrow" and the idea that blind men find her beautiful . . . but too many men have eyes. that's a poignant paragraph.
reform is stains of divinity
i like this closer. stains of divinity. quite a title. quite a line. reform=the process of picking oneself up . . . rght?
a strong peice. it does feel different. congratulations :-)
funny how sometimes it just feels like we're being consumed by time - trying to use it up to it's fullest extent before it runs dry.
and then other times it's just like time is so consuming. wasting us away in our own thoughts & in our head. rearanging dreams, if that makes any sense at all.
but what i like most about this poem (and your poetry in general) i just feel as though it's real. i donno, i suppose thats the most fitting word for now, is "real".
I find it interesting the line about speaking allegorically, because as you know my love for sparse bits in writting. I must say Jaydee if the entire piece was only the opening stanza I would have been satisfied, but by no means take this as a bashing of the rest of the piece.
"somedays all i do is watch the sky" forever wasting time reforming stars"
Because this opening gives you this image of a girl, and a very potent insight to her personality without saying much at all. The whole piece is like hers this little tid bit about me, but thats all you get, because you only payed for the 10 cent tour not the 25 cent one. ok so im ranting...
"with sorrow recast blind men find her beautiful"
I read that and wished I could give you a hug. It is a long and ardous road we travel, in hopes of moving beyond the things we no longer wish to feel. But it is a great show of character that you don't hide from those feelings, you dont try to run, you say this is a part ofthe who I am now, the who I was then, but it wont be who I will be it will only help to cultivate that stronger wiser person of my tomorrows.
I dunnoif I made any sense, but I loved this piece. I love your writing. -john
I like what Joey said about the sparseness of this making it more powerful. And I loved Angelo's reply, but his replies are always killer-bee, aren't they?
Staring at the sky, reforming stars... retracing history, realigning things mentally to make sense and make the heavens right again... brilliant metaphor. I loved the lines:
a girl well acquainted with goodbye its a long way to go to get over losing you
There is always someone that breaks that mold of simple "goodbye" and complicates an otherwise well-developed strategy of break-up that has worked before. The one that leaves the scars in our eyes that we have trouble seeing relationships through afterwards. The one that leaves the big hole-shaped missing pieces that only they fit... the one that truly breaks your heart to lose.
The next part? Just awesome:
i hope im not talking allegorically
with sorrow recast blind men find her beautiful
This reminds me how you write a poem, no actually, how you bleed out words and it's so painful to do it, to arrange them to say exactly how it feels, and have someone say "How wonderful!"... how wonderful? Complimentary, but so disturbing and sad in a sense, that they read only that part, the poetic tragedy of it, and not what the abyss behind them. "with sorrow recast, blind men find her beautiful"... Funny how this goes directly (in my head) to catholicism and the Virgin Mary, who in her grief, loss and mourning, in her carved bowed head of piteous prayer, we see what we feel is all the beauty and mercy and compassion that the world needs... a beauty that reality doesn't afford us, but that only those blind men who feel nothing can see. Beneath the surface, is the true portrait of hell. All people see, however, is "poetry."
The only thing that seemed off was reform is "stains" instead of a stain of divinity... But I love the ending. I love that you nail that in, like the last piece that sets the tone to me that it is almost holy, this suffering, because it's an ache in the soul, not just the heart. Substantial, beautiful imagery. I really love this piece.
soemtimes if you write teh same thing over and over again, it mean's that's what u write best at, adn ur sub-consious knows that, and forcing your hand.
but anyways. this is nice, adn to the point. nice work
I don't think it's like other things you've written...other than in the fact that it's damn good. i like the sparseness of words, it gives each word and line that much more power.
This is different from what you post most of the time but yet it had that jaydee in it. Shoeter and more to the point then most which is good for the reader with the short attention span such as me...lol.
Glad you are safe and I look forward to hearing from you
"some[]days all i do is watch the sky" forever wasting time reforming stars
a girl well[-]acquainted with goodbye it[']s a long way to go to get over losing you
i hope im not talking allegorically
with sorrow recast blind men find her beautiful
reform is stains of divinity
I think this poem is very lyrical, very pretty; unfortunately (it may be because I'm dying of exhaustion here) I can't seem to grasp what it is you're actually saying. sorry. Could you give me a few clues or something? I promise I'll come back, and ammoed with some grain of understanding, give you a way kickass comment. for now, you have my lame grammar. ^_^'
Ah Jaydee... we don't write to be beautiful... we write because we are.
You can watch the stars all you want because no matter how much the stars look alike, they cannot be all the same, and I doubt that you will be able to see them all in one life time. So go on... keep looking. Stay beautiful. But don't forget to look back into the world to tell us all about them.
Submission Name: ...stains of divinity...
