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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Burning Souldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vampiric Death
    Elite Ratio:    2.27 - 133/159/91
    Words: 40
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 570
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 276



    Description:
       When you bottle your anger, you can lose control.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBurning Souldots
    -------------------------------------------


    He feels a flame,
    it’s burning his soul.
    They call him names,
    and tear the books they stole.
    He holds it back,
    Gotta keep control.
    His arms go slack,
    Eyes black as coal.
    He rushes forth,
    His anger explodes




    Submitted on 2006-09-12 08:35:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow, very cool ...
    i can relate to having to keep my anger under control, there are some people who just tick me off so much...

    i like the part about his eys, having that detail builds the story/moment

    Isabella
    | Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by IsabellaAurora | [ Reply to This ]
      School can be a masacre sometimes. Makes you wish you could sink into yourself. This character of yours made himself a compromise: lash out...burn...next time you won't have to back down. Great!
    | Posted on 2006-11-09 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ]
      The simplistic form is really affective here, it adds emotion. The last bit slightly varying in rhyme is quite a disappointment, though. It's personal opinion, but I feel a pem should either rhyme or not. You've done well with the rhyming, but especially with a piece so short, I think you could have done better.

    Call this comment cliché, but the flow wavers, as is very apparant in line four. In a whole, the poem seemed sort of... vague. There's really no other way to put it. You're probably trying to 'show not tell' but you could have done that while emphasising the anger. If it weren't for the catagory, I would think you were simply acceptant (for you don't say what his explosion is).

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      The simplistic form is really affective here, it adds emotion. The last bit slightly varying in rhyme is quite a disappointment, though. It's personal opinion, but I feel a pem should either rhyme or not. You've done well with the rhyming, but especially with a piece so short, I think you could have done better.

    Call this comment cliché, but the flow wavers, as is very apparant in line four. In a whole, the poem seemed sort of... vague. There's really no other way to put it. You're probably trying to 'show not tell' but you could have done that while emphasising the anger. If it weren't for the catagory, I would think you were simply acceptant (for you don't say what his explosion is).

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      The simplistic form is really affective here, it adds emotion. The last bit slightly varying in rhyme is quite a disappointment, though. It's personal opinion, but I feel a pem should either rhyme or not. You've done well with the rhyming, but especially with a piece so short, I think you could have done better.

    Call this comment cliché, but the flow wavers, as is very apparant in line four. In a whole, the poem seemed sort of... vague. There's really no other way to put it. You're probably trying to 'show not tell' but you could have done that while emphasising the anger. If it weren't for the catagory, I would think you were simply acceptant (for you don't say what his explosion is).

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      The simplistic form is really affective here, it adds emotion. The last bit slightly varying in rhyme is quite a disappointment, though. It's personal opinion, but I feel a pem should either rhyme or not. You've done well with the rhyming, but especially with a piece so short, I think you could have done better.

    Call this comment cliché, but the flow wavers, as is very apparant in line four. In a whole, the poem seemed sort of... vague. There's really no other way to put it. You're probably trying to 'show not tell' but you could have done that while emphasising the anger. If it weren't for the catagory, I would think you were simply acceptant (for you don't say what his explosion is).

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok....I like what has been written so far. But it doesn't seem finished....definitely not.
    The beginning is good.

    ~Strator
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by Strator | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm...thinking here. Why are they hurting him, who's hurting him to be more clear? I wonder about that? What caused this flame to burn his soul? That is a few questions I had.

    You caught me with the single line that stated " eyes black as coal". He has had alot of pain hasn't he?

    I'm trying to give a critique here, but find it very hard because I think this isn't your best poem. I'm sorry to say that. I didn't really catch me as your other things have.

    I'm hoping you don't hate me at this moment, and if you do, I offer you a sucker as an apology. I prefer the direct approach, where I'm not lying, and I'm not going to sugar coat the fact.

    My opinion of this poem at the moment is you've actually felt this pain, so I was wondering why you didn't elaborate. I wasn't able to feel the pain. You other writings I've felt..but this one was just...a bit rushed for my taste.

    So next time, could you possibly tell give us more of the pain, the feel of it. Who is it that's causing this flame?

    I don't agree with OscuraAmor with the fact that you should stop what you're doing and they'll stop messing with you. You can't please everyone, and you can't change for anyone either.

    So, I congradulate you on the fact that you can get someone to think and press on about this subject, I don't,however, believe this was your best effort.

    Sorry, but I DO look forward to your best work.
    | Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by Twisted | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm writing this review like I write all others to help you so here is my suggestion. I loved the poem yes it was a great work of art in my personal opinion. I know you have gotten ridiculed a lot, but have you ever thought to yourself that if you did not give them a reason to they would not do that. You do bring it upon yourself, you say that you want them to laugh at you, and you also say that your retarded. Will in the end is this what you really want though? You have a lot of questions to ask yourself, but I believe you already know the answers you just don’t choose to see them.

    I know part of you wants to change that way you will have more friends. You may deny it all you want, but in your poetry wether you say your just writing it to rhyme or not I can see that you are hurting inside because of all the [censored] going on in your life. Maybe what you need to do is not continuously give them a reason to, but that’s just my personal opinion and you don't have to listen im just trying to help.
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by OscuraAmor | [ Reply to This ]


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