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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: edge of a poemdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rouge wave
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 22/16/4
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 181
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 2786



    Description:
       suggestions


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsedge of a poemdots
    -------------------------------------------




         the edge of a poem is a lot like the
                edge of your yard –
                the property line of
                your neighbor's yard

                beyond the line
                the yard is
                much like your yard
                but you don't own it

         the edge of a poem is a noble thing
                like boughs creating shade
                from a bordering tree
                during a harsh afternoon
                when shadows often hide

                in shadows' shadows
                I often find
                an inspired thought
                sweat-based

         the edge of a poem can be dry or brown
                a loose-leaf page of a moment
                after moments passed
                plucked and stuck between
                pages of your thoughts

                or blown and tossed
                from one time to
                the next, waiting
                for a rake-hand to interlock
                winter-cooled fingers with

         neigbor's tree springs falling leaves;
         the wind generously delivers
                I continue the yardwork





    Submitted on 2006-09-12 12:24:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      gah!
    i commented on this piece and then hit something wrong and lost the whole thing. rah rah rah!

    okies... but because this is the first piece i have read all day [ive been commenting about 4 hours now] that has actually inspired me and made me think i feel i must recomment [which wont be very hard... promise] and tell you of my worship of this piece.


    you see...
    i completely understand the image you use of fence lines and trees.
    for 22 years my father was asking the woman over the fence if she could stop her trees from coming over onto his property because every autumn her trees would shed leaves all over dads property. there were a coupla times she allowed him to trim the trees back so that they werent over the fence line but for the most part she was VERY unco-operative.
    last year my dad just couldnt take it any more. his health is failing and he couldnt cope with the effort of raking up leaves all the time so he allowed my step brother to cut away at her trees with his chainsaw. my step brother cut the thing right down to the trunk... almost the stump and he made sure he left the tree cuttings on her side of the fence so we weren't accused of stealing her trees LOL!
    the funny thing about the whole incident was that it took her 7 months to notice we'd done anything haha!


    anyways... i love the way you speak of the poems edge. the way you have the part of it you own and then the part over the fence...
    to me its like when someone reads your piece and brings their own ideas to it and therefore own your piece in a completely different way...
    i think theres risk in putting your work out to be seen by others...

    i also like the way you have presented this piece. the way you have your line about what the edge of a poem is and then reinforce it with two little stanzas that are kinda like different sides of the same fence in some ways...

    you know... the first time i read this [it seems like such a long time ago now lol] i felt all garbled and lost. so i turned off my music and read this piece out loud and the sounds it created were gorgeous!
    i initially felt that there were too many instances of 'yard' in the first stanza but when i read the others and found repetition of certain buzz words it put the 'yard' into persepctive.


    what i leave this piece with is you doing yard work... you are cleaning up the poem adn are aware of where your responsibility for the piece ends and where the readers begins.
    i think that is healthy

    a stunning thoughtout and constructed piece!!
    | Posted on 2007-07-02 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a very pleasant read, with some lovely images. I did feel, however, that it lost a bit of clarity in the last stanzas. Perhaps, however, it's just me. I'm not a particularly abstract thinker (for example, Angelo's comment below confuses the heck out of me!)

    I loved the beginning stanzas - the thoughts outside your poem may look a lot like the thoughts INSIDE your poem - but they don't belong to you. I get that!

    I also agree totally with your stanza about the edge of a poem being a noble thing.

    I think my favorite line is

    a loose-leaf page of a moment

    However, after that, you kind of lose me. I feel as though you've drifted away from the edge, as it were. And your last two stanzas are completely beyond me in regards to this piece.

    However, all that said, if a person reads a poem just to enjoy its lovely wording and not to necessarily think about it (and some people do), then this is great. You've combined words and images beautifully. And for me, the first part was wonderful. mae
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      To me, what this piece is saying is that we are all envoys connected to the mothership of our creativity which is the Universe. That every action, no matter how big or small, inspires a ripple in the tapestry of our art.

    What I like most about it is the hushed tone that somehow calms the weight of what you're meaning. I think that it shows a level of discipline that is hard to practice when you have so many possible articles of expression. To me, it really worked because it gives a very relaxed and almost assuring sense of wisdom.

    I wish I could say more... but...
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one, though it jumps a bit much. Try to progress an idea through the poem to give the ending more punch. I would also replace 'yardwork' with 'raking.' Nice job here.

    Peace, love and all that other junk,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]



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