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    dots Submission Name: Addictiondots

    Author: metallichick786
    ASL Info:    26/f/Cali
    Elite Ratio:    2.79 - 78/85/51
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Trapped
    Total Views: 796
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 939


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I cannot function without your chains
    From solid to vapr you rebuild my brain
    Playing with my senses
    Inside I tremble

    My eyes adjust
    Once again I can see
    My heart it races
    Fast but steady paces

    Beats reminding me of time
    Time wasted
    Reality I'm never faced with
    Alone I am once again

    They all refuse to see me
    Refusing to truly see
    Not acknowledging any problem
    The truth won't set me free

    Awake all hours of the night
    Sleep is for the dead
    A white and hollow smoke
    Deters the pain within my head

    I planned it like this
    For you to find me here
    Asleep alas for eternity
    Now i rest without fear

    A painless plot of misery
    I can no longer bare
    The mild facade of happiness
    I will no longer wear

    Submitted on 2006-09-12 15:00:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I tried really hard to find something fresh and original about this poem, but all I could come up with were the phrases "white and hollow smoke", and "the truth won't set me free". Unfortunately, it's quite unclear what, exactly, the first one means, and the second one doesn't have a strong enough context to really support it.

    The rest of the poetic devices were mostly uninspired. Beyond what I previously mentioned, there wasn't anything that I haven't seen already in other poems in excess. The reader quickly becomes bored if he finds nothing but what he's already read.

    Try doing a re-write with the same theme in mind, but totally fresh figurative language. Try to keep the poem flowing a bit better, as otherwise the reader will stutter over some of the more awkward lines and generally have a lot of trouble with it.

    Overall, unfortunately, it's becoming harder and harder to please the reader with this type of poem. When you log online, these types are all you end up seeing, so you really have to bend over backwards to really impress someone. I'm not trying to discourage you from this realm of writing, I'm simply trying to impress on you how much harder you have to work in this particular genre in comparison to others.

    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]

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