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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I found a friend in Hell today...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lucianraven
    ASL Info:    21/M/Spfld Il
    Elite Ratio:    3.46 - 49/67/19
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1066
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1016



    Description:
       Thiss is about my latest and so far most expensvie attempt at drowning my troubles ... so far it's unsucesful as now instead of just hurting myslf I end up doing it under impaired judgmnet so Im sorry abuot any typing errors i'm not quiet myself tonight.

    <edited>


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI found a friend in Hell today...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I found a friend in Hell today
    He promised pain taken away
    So far he's right
    But still I know
    It's pretty lights and all aglow
    Yet when curtain falls at end of show
    I'll be the same, it's true you know

    I need no aspirations
    I need no hopes it seems
    All I need is a glass of him
    To keep me from the dreams
    When I am woke without him
    The tears of mine run dry
    I lose all thought and feeling
    until with red rain falling
    I find my head is clearing...

    I found a friend in Hell today
    What he promised was a lie
    The only thing that stops my pain
    leaves proof upon my thigh
    I've started making lists again
    And writing on my wrist
    To remind me of the times I've had
    My head has felt his fist
    I tell him that I'm leaving
    But he knows I'm just decieving
    He'll be my friend again.....




    Submitted on 2006-09-12 22:36:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There are a few flows errors, just two or three spots where you would probably be better off rearranging things to be a couple syllables shorter.

    Otherwise for a poem on the discouragingly common subject of depression/sadlove, etc, this was fairly original and overall a good write.

    Good job. Keep writing.
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-05-01 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]
      Reviewing the guidlines for giving compliments, it says to be honest and give more than just compliments. I'm going to try, although I hope I don't hurt your feelings. I suggust you go back ans take a look at this poem again, providing that you're sober now. I think it has some potential, as a way to fuel your feelings. But looking back on it, I know you will find the typing errors that you missed inthe original typing of this poem.

    What is this poem to me? It is a statement of what you would like to move beyond. The lines in the last stanza, "I tell him that I'm leaving/
    But he knows I'm just decieving/
    He'll be my friend again....." make me really sad because I know that if you really want to you CAN move beyond it. You can do whatever you put your mind to.
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?    		7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    117845

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