[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Laid Lowdots

    Author: Marcusj
    ASL Info:    35/M/NZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.6 - 48/21/35
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 735
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 434

       I wrote this after a one night stand that I stupidly thought was more.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLaid Lowdots

    Laid low
    Or laid in stone
    Laid foundations
    Of things half grown

    Laden by night
    Or laid feather down
    Half used, half abused
    Laid beneath the ground

    Flicked my switch
    And knee to balls
    I lay, heart wide open
    And accept the fall

    Laid low
    And time may tell
    If I get laid again
    Heaven, so quick to hell

    Submitted on 2006-09-13 05:18:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I can not even start to pretend I know what this poem means, or what its theme is, so I'll simply critique the technical side behind it, and its structure.

    The most obvious poetic device you use is that of repetition, most notably of the syllable sound "layd". You use this eight times (and "lay" once), but the poem seems uneven for it. You use it three times in the first and second stanza, and twice in the fourth stanza ("lay" comes in during the third stanza). It feels slightly unbalanced as a poetic device for this reason, but does not deeply effect the read. It might, perhaps, lessen the impact, but other than that, hardly harmful.

    Unfortunately, the poem is so vague, it's impossible to relate to any of the imagery, so any potential power behind these vehicles is either lessened or eliminated. In other words, because I don't really understand where you're coming from, I can't understand the technical side of the poem itself either in relation to the theme.

    As a poem, technically, it was quite sound. The phrase "And knee to balls" was a bit awkward, seeming grammatically incorrect, but again, because I do not understand the context, I can not really pass judgment on it.

    Nice job.

    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]