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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: DowNdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: unnatainable
    ASL Info:    20/F/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    3.07 - 48/42/23
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 900
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 680



    Description:
       i had a really hard day
    and this is what came out
    you can basically say the poem over and over becasue it kind of is like a circle haha when you rread it you will understand

    peace


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDowNdots
    -------------------------------------------


    shes falling down
    without her crown
    her bloody gown
    in death she'll drown

    in death she flies
    in life she cries
    the long goodbyes
    she slowly tries

    to hide her face
    around this place
    in deep disgrace
    to lose this race

    and daddy's wrong
    hes gone to long
    to hear her song
    not sung along

    her boy took shame
    hes gone again
    shes lost her fame
    and her pretty name

    is smeared on walls
    and darkness calls
    to end it all
    and down to fall

    down






    Submitted on 2006-09-13 09:36:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i think that this is nice. it has a lot of thought in it but just an opinion or suggestion take it as you will. i think you have to many rhyming word that it makes it sound forced. maybe if you had every ohter line rhym like lin 1 and thre in each stanza or 2 and for in each stanza maybe it would not seem so forced and flow a little better. remember these are just my suggestions and my opinions. take them if you want or dont your choice. good work. lia
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
      well i have to agree with lili, when she said that your rhyming seemed forced, it does not flow as a common writing , that is my point of view, so please not use so many rhyming, but you have a good idea in this writing , so please keep writing and if you have time please take a look to my writings i would really appreciate it if u leave some comments on them, take care
    and have a nice day
    peace and love
    Victor
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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