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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: fearsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Black Clouds
    ASL Info:    17/F/Ca
    Elite Ratio:    3.1 - 5/12/8
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/I am dead inside
    Total Views: 189
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 871



    Description:
       this is juvie


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfearsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i have this feeling so deep inside
    it sometimes hurts and makes me cry
    i watch the things closest to my heart
    float on by on clouds so dark
    clouds of rain they fill my eyes
    i began to feel blind
    lost inside this darkened hole
    on my knees clawing at the wall
    maybe my emotions race too fast
    like cars on tracks or rubber on glass
    i sometimes climb inside myself
    hoping no one will find me lost
    i climb so fast that i fall to the ground
    little tears roll down my cheeks
    i explode and anger peaks
    punching walls:broken knuckles,
    bloody fingers, swollen hands
    there are no calming smiles here
    there are no big bear hugs
    the only calming things are tears
    and bloody images in mirrors
    those little things i've always feared




    Submitted on 2006-09-13 11:58:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is the second poem ive seen today & its interesting...maybe the lines were a little forsed or its just me..but its a good vent.
    & it doesnt really state the problem and maybe its suppost to be that way but it does keep the reader interested & try to guess..

    yea it could have been more complex..but it just sound quick & sweet..
    or maybetoo quick & sweet ...i dunno....good write..
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by _Dancing_Alone_ | [ Reply to This ]
      With poems like these, it is entirely important to provide fresh and original figurative language instead of using clichés. Unfortunately, all throughout this piece, it is hard to find anything that has not been done before.

    The rhyming scheme also hurt the piece. AABB schemes are generally used for lighter, playful poems, while melancholy/serious poems generally use a more complex structure.

    On a positive note, it was refreshing to see slant rhyme used, such as heart/dark, and mirrors/feared.

    I suggest a re-write of this piece. As it stands, it doesn't really relate what you're trying to say, and only feels like a re-hashing of other poems written on this piece. Nothing stands out.
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
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