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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Backyard Issuesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: charmedidentity
    ASL Info:    23/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    6.9 - 864/897/406
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 710
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1369



    Description:
       Just think of your backyard and all the issues that are out there in our world. Then make a comparisson and you'll see what i am talking about.
    Hope you like this one.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBackyard Issuesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sinful deeds working in my backyard
    As nature explains its cruel curse,
    A mix-up of what should be good
    But greatness has a price to be paid
    If it only desires to have recognition
    If only I want to make it somewhere in life.

    The green grass grows higher
    Impossible to walk anywhere in it
    Much less probable to lie down
    As snakes and creepy insects crawl
    Making them the rulers of their world,
    I merely wonder from an upstairs window.

    Strangers are welcomed at my gate
    As I never know their true intentions,
    A doubtful place with nowhere to turn
    Maybe my sanctuary yet I shall not fear.
    Instead I will face their issues one at a time,
    Chase them away; I am not a haunted house.

    The web-like weed scatters faster
    As the land is left untaken care of,
    The fear of dirt touching my fingers
    Causes a phobia anonymous to life
    But the more I find outside my window
    Exuberance takes over my fortitude.

    Sacred deeds working in my backyard
    As nature explains its wheel of fortune,
    A mix-up of all that was once confusing
    Has revealed itself surprisingly clear,
    If only the mind could free its burden
    Then I would have known these issues.




    Submitted on 2006-09-13 16:16:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Sinful deeds (arise) in my backyard
    As nature (typifiess its cruelest) curse,
    A (hopeless mixture) of what should be good
    (Greatness has a price that must) be paid;
    (Do I merely desire) recognition
    (Or seek) to make it somewhere in life.

    The green grass (sems to grow a little) higher
    (And becomes impossible to walk among)
    (And even more daunting) to lie down
    As snakes and (creeping) insects crawl
    Making them the rulers of their world,
    (As) I wonder from an upstairs window.

    Strangers are (always welcome) at my gate
    As I never know their true intentions,
    A doubtful place with nowhere to turn
    May be my sanctuary, yet I shall not fear.
    Instead I will face their issues one (by one),
    (Rebuking) them; I'm not a haunted house.

    The web-like (weed's venom scattered) faster
    As the (barren land is left forsaken),
    The (sudden) fear of dirt touching my fingers
    (Create phobias, denying) life
    But the more I (peer) outside my window,
    (I'm filled with exuberant) fortitude.

    Sacred deeds (arise) in my backyard
    As nature (reveals) its wheel of fortune,
    (Clarity has made) all that was confusing
    (Perfectly clean and) surprisingly clear,
    If only the mind could (be rid of) its burden
    (As easily as issues that I should have known.)



    This one is very ambitious, Irina, but it also seems a bit confusing to the casual reader, as if the theme were not entirely focused. You may consider revising and reposting this one with an emphasis on the central issue (decay, corruption, invasion, etc.) or a title that provides more clarity. This might sharpen the analogy you've chosen between the natural/pastoral and industrial/ethical world. Just a thought.

    Take care, Irina.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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    117932

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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