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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: See lifedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: The Wolverine
    ASL Info:    23/M/MA
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 74/137/91
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 821
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1284



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSee lifedots
    -------------------------------------------



    the jetsam and flotsam
    and broken mast
    will last longer than the bones
    of men buried at sea
    far from coastal homes
    wives pace the walk
    not knowing they are widows

    loose lips sink ships
    eyes flickered toward the gap-jawed mate
    and the look of seafaring comrades
    turned from love to hate
    on leave in pub the slack-jawed sailor
    talked about the cargo hold
    and drunk as he was
    paid no heed to whom he told
    so rapscallions and scoundrels
    riproaring scurvy searats
    with missing teeth and three-cornered hats
    all soaked in every word
    he kept chirping like a bird.

    when shoretime was up the crew returned and shared their
    manly tales. they were back to the life on bread and ale
    green sailors heacing over the side, faces gaunt and pale
    their hold was full, and pockets empty, ready to set sail

    a score of nights passed peacefully, with grotesque sailing songs
    when over the side came pirates, armed to the teeth in throngs
    the lesson of this legens is that when one of the crew lets slip
    while most men get away unscathed
    the captain goes down with the ship.




    Submitted on 2006-09-13 16:18:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the jetsam and flotsam
    and broken mast
    will last longer than the bones
    of men buried at sea
    far from coastal homes
    wives pace the walk
    not knowing they are widows

    Damn, I bet every one of those women might be thinking it though. Those are very powerful lines there, sir. I can picture a woman taking a walk down the beach, getting farther and farther from everything she knows and recognizes, just looking out at the horizon, hoping and praying that her man's ship will suddenly appear. I think it must be harder not knowing if something bad has happened. Not knowing if you'll ever talk to a person again.

    loose lips sink ships

    I love that line because it reminds me of at least two songs.

    eyes flickered toward the gap-jawed mate
    and the look of seafaring comrades
    turned from love to hate
    on leave in pub the slack-jawed sailor
    talked about the cargo hold
    and drunk as he was
    paid no heed to whom he told
    so rapscallions and scoundrels
    riproaring scurvy searats
    with missing teeth and three-cornered hats
    all soaked in every word
    he kept chirping like a bird.

    This stanza is dripping with such descriptive words that I actually wrinkled my nose because I could smell the pub and all those "scurvy sea rats." Excellent Excellent.

    green sailors heacing over the side, faces gaunt and pale
    their hold was full, and pockets empty, ready to set sail

    I am impressed. Not many people can write and actually make me see what they mean. I had a little chuckle at your sea sick men. Perhaps they had too much to drink. Well, not perhaps, but obviously, since their pockets are empty ^.^

    a score of nights passed peacefully, with grotesque sailing songs when over the side came pirates, armed to the teeth in throngs the lesson of this legen[d] is that when one of the crew lets slip


    while most men get away unscathed
    the captain goes down with the ship.

    I suggest breaking those last two lines apart, since they're the "moral of your story." It would have more of an impact if they were all alone.

    Absolutely fantastic write.
    ~krys
    | Posted on 2008-12-16 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]


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