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    dots Submission Name: ** In the Veil of Darkness: Part 1dots

    Author: Caotic_Disaster
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 447/349/148
    Words: 220
    Class/Type: Misc/
    Total Views: 549
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1104

       I know ES isn't big on stories, but heres a semi-short story that I wrote for school. If you could check it out, even if you just read one paragraph, and tell me what you think. I took suggestions and am splitting them into parts. If you wish to read the whole tihng, chec out the seperate parts Thanks. ~Caotic~

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots** In the Veil of Darkness: Part 1dots

    Darkness is the shadow that hides my inhuman body from the preying eyes of humankind. The shadow, which I stay, enveloped in, until my next move is to be made. For now, I wait for the morning, for the next little boy to run across the street, or the next damsel to cross my marked path. A path which I have had marked out for centuries, which I have strayed little from. Tonight, I shall stay on that path.
    The suns yellow bonnet begins to peak up in the darkness of the night. The time has come. The butcher’s wife is on her way down to the landlord to pay her bills. Only, if my path is set straight, she will never make it due to the grip of my hand and my secret weapon, a weapon which is only to be revealed to my victim.
    Time has come for my approach, steadily, one foot in front of the next. Yes. She has become mine, and our paths run parallel through the stream of my blood. The heat within my veins fills my heart with a warm glow, the only glow that can be achieved with a filling of a fresh breakfast. Unfortunately, this will be my last meal for another week.

    Submitted on 2006-09-13 19:54:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      EEEEP! Vampires.

    *Does a happy, insane dance*

    This piece...the words you used to describe the hunger, the aching, the solitude, the dark. It was truly awesome. I love vampires.
    Well...most of them anyway.


    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      great write i do like the suggestion of putting it into parts i have a short attention span but this really caught my attention this was really great i hope to read more like it
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by blood red angel | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't have much time, but i skimmed through, and from what little selections i read, it sounds really good. It looks like you had good descriptive words...when i have more time, i will definitely read this.
    The first sentence was amazing...it was like..."HOLY SHIT!" and then it drew me in.

    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by darkwinged | [ Reply to This ]
      Because the average person has a reading attention span of about 2 minutes, I think you lost a lot of your readers that way.
    For future references, you could put it in parts. I, II, III, etc...

    I few peeves of mine:
    The stereotypical Vampire Castle, The allergies to garlic, so on and so forth.
    Authors have taken us down that path before...
    Try leading it elsewhere see what happens.

    Other than that, it was an elaborative write.
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by theDevilsPocket | [ Reply to This ]

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