wonderful disgrace

Author: CrypticBard Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 370 /381 /228 Words: 66

Class/Type: Poetry /Misc Total Views: 1679 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 609

Description:

---

wonderful disgrace

---

` gasping grasping veinlike whispy appendages tendrilling toward the vapour of what once was gaping groping wanlike ventriloquating accoutrement tentacling away from venomous fangs of today should Venus sit and trap unwitting victim or would Toiler prowl and wrap escaping prey: the other self in dark dismay. `

Submitted on 2006-09-14 08:03:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_< 2: I dunno... 3: meh! 4: Pretty cool 5: Wow!

Comments

I like the time you've taken to tease out the obvious meter you've chosen to employ here. It makes it 'gallop', for want of a better description, making the reader fairly skip along with you. After "fangs of today" your rhythm was spotless. However, two words in the previous parts stuck out to me: "appendages" and "accoutrements"-- maybe you may want to rethink the sonics, the syllabic rhythms here... chop it down a syllable perhaps, or play with the syntax slightly? Not sure, but you get what I mean, right? Just my two cents. "Ventriloquating" is pretty cool by the way. And yea, I think you're starting to grasp something different for yourself here... it's great to see. Peace, Jase

| Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest. 2. Try not to give only compliments. 3. How did it make you feel? 4. Why did it make you feel that way? 5. Which parts? 6. What distracted from the piece?

7. What was unclear? 8. What does it remind you of? 9. How could it be improved? 10. What would you have done differently? 11. What was your interpretation of it? 12. Does it feel original?

118015