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` gasping grasping veinlike whispy appendages tendrilling toward the vapour of what once was gaping groping wanlike ventriloquating accoutrement tentacling away from venomous fangs of today should Venus sit and trap unwitting victim or would Toiler prowl and wrap escaping prey: the other self in dark dismay. ` |
I like the time you've taken to tease out the obvious meter you've chosen to employ here. It makes it 'gallop', for want of a better description, making the reader fairly skip along with you. After "fangs of today" your rhythm was spotless. However, two words in the previous parts stuck out to me: "appendages" and "accoutrements"-- maybe you may want to rethink the sonics, the syllabic rhythms here... chop it down a syllable perhaps, or play with the syntax slightly? Not sure, but you get what I mean, right? Just my two cents. "Ventriloquating" is pretty cool by the way. And yea, I think you're starting to grasp something different for yourself here... it's great to see. Peace, ![]() Jase | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ] | |