This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

wonderful disgrace


Author: CrypticBard
Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 370 /381 /228
Words: 66
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1679
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 609



Description:




wonderful disgrace



`


gasping
grasping
veinlike
whispy
appendages

tendrilling
toward the
vapour
of what once was

gaping
groping
wanlike
ventriloquating

accoutrement
tentacling
away from
venomous

fangs of today

should
Venus sit
and trap
unwitting victim

or would
Toiler prowl
and wrap
escaping prey:
the other self

in dark dismay.


`




Submitted on 2006-09-14 08:03:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I like the time you've taken to tease out the obvious meter you've chosen to employ here. It makes it 'gallop', for want of a better description, making the reader fairly skip along with you.

After "fangs of today" your rhythm was spotless. However, two words in the previous parts stuck out to me: "appendages" and "accoutrements"-- maybe you may want to rethink the sonics, the syllabic rhythms here... chop it down a syllable perhaps, or play with the syntax slightly? Not sure, but you get what I mean, right? Just my two cents.

"Ventriloquating" is pretty cool by the way.

And yea, I think you're starting to grasp something different for yourself here... it's great to see.

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



118015