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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: wonderful disgracedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CrypticBard
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 368/381/226
    Words: 66
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1063
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 609



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswonderful disgracedots
    -------------------------------------------


    `


    gasping
    grasping
    veinlike
    whispy
    appendages

    tendrilling
    toward the
    vapour
    of what once was

    gaping
    groping
    wanlike
    ventriloquating

    accoutrement
    tentacling
    away from
    venomous

    fangs of today

    should
    Venus sit
    and trap
    unwitting victim

    or would
    Toiler prowl
    and wrap
    escaping prey:
    the other self

    in dark dismay.


    `




    Submitted on 2006-09-14 08:03:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like the time you've taken to tease out the obvious meter you've chosen to employ here. It makes it 'gallop', for want of a better description, making the reader fairly skip along with you.

    After "fangs of today" your rhythm was spotless. However, two words in the previous parts stuck out to me: "appendages" and "accoutrements"-- maybe you may want to rethink the sonics, the syllabic rhythms here... chop it down a syllable perhaps, or play with the syntax slightly? Not sure, but you get what I mean, right? Just my two cents.

    "Ventriloquating" is pretty cool by the way.

    And yea, I think you're starting to grasp something different for yourself here... it's great to see.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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