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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: At Night!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vitoko
    ASL Info:    24/M
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 690/442/104
    Words: 191
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Love
    Total Views: 699
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1120



    Description:
       welll here i have kinda some random thoughts... i hpe u get the idea


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAt Night!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    what a lonely night,
    without her deep sight,
    without having touched her hair,
    this will be an eternal night of pain.

    Why do I have to die when the sun is gone?
    Why don’t I get my complete happiness?
    Why whenever I fall in love,
    I lose my soul and heart?

    Questions which destroy my mind,
    They come and go as the waves of the sea,
    Taking away the love that I cant accept,
    And leaving me in solitude, where I belong

    Nights without Stars,
    There is an owl in my bed,
    Carrying bad luck for my pillow,
    I will dream about hell

    Hell?
    Where I belong,
    And where I should have never run away,
    I came here to find love which the seoul denied me
    And here I found that the Eden condemned me to hate.

    Every word, is another tear that goes to the river of blood,
    I thought that I would never cry, but I found …
    That when I cry, I go to my lover’s place,
    And there I am happy, because I love her more than anything in this world!




    Submitted on 2006-09-14 12:01:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      I liked it, i saw a few problems, but i am short on time, sorry! The other comments have done much nitpicking, so I don't feel too guilty. I will comment more when I have time. So overall I liked it, but I would like to see it when (if) you make a few changes too.

    Blessed be and peace out
    | Posted on 2007-09-15 00:00:00 | by Hungarian Girl | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this, it had a nice go to it. The only thing I didn't really like, was the use of the words "pain" and "hell" to describe what you were feeling. I mean, I know it fits and all, but it just feels overused. Not really a fault in your poem I guess, atleast not as much as it just is in writing in general, since it wouldn't really appear cliché if it wasn't used so much, yet it wouldn't be used so much if it didn't fit so well? Viscious cycle :-p
    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      Good poem, I liked it. I think holy didn't cover everything, because there's still a typo where "soul" should have been, and I think "heart and soul" would sound better.

    I didn't quite understand the stanza about the owl, do wols bring bad luck or something like that? Anyway, the way you continued it with the rethorical question is real good...I like these sort of poems, where the writter sort of jumps from one idea to another, linking the paragraphs with help of the last word...it's cool.

    I liked the last stanza the most...but the first and the last lines are a bit too long and choppy for this kind of poem...try replacing ordinary expressions liek these with shorter metaphors that can still sustain your pov...for example every word is a bleeding tear...or whatever.
    And as cute as the last line is, try replacing it with something shorter and less cliché. The ending is the one that leaves the reader the final impression, it should be perfect.

    Peace

    Angie
    | Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by Angie444 | [ Reply to This ]
      oh yes.. much better. wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, but now it truely is a great poem. wonderful write, keep it up.
    Holy xx
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by Holy Wood | [ Reply to This ]
      well i liked it, but you had few grammer problems and some misspelled words. for instance,

    "Why whenever I fall in love,
    I lost my soul and heart?"

    i think it should be i lose my soul and heart, it sounds better.

    "Taking away the that I cant accept"

    im not sure what you were trying to say there.. taking away of that i cant accept? maybe, dunno.

    "There is a owl in my bed"

    it should be, there is an owl in my bed. and again, im only knit picking here. i thought it was a good poem just trying to help make it better. its more enjoyable for people to read if you dont have to go back and try to fix the errors to make the poem make sense.

    "Every word, is another tears that goes to the river of blood,"

    another tear, looked to me like it was supposed to be single not plural. but if you meant it to be plural, make another, more instead. ok, im done. good write though. i liked the emotion in this. so lonely and heartbroken you seem. take care.
    Holy xx
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by Holy Wood | [ Reply to This ]


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