Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Your Lungs are Water Containersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sheakhan
    ASL Info:    25/M/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 175/197/89
    Words: 285
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 779
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1727



    Description:
       I quench my thirst with sprite.

    Obey your thirst.

    edit 10-5-06

    i moved the line:

    "and that was that."

    because it was suggested that i remove it, but i am very attached to it, so i'm testing it's strength in different places in the poem.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYour Lungs are Water Containersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Is this the drop off?" i asked her.

    ....

    there was no response,
    she was gone,
    i knew as much,
    and i knew nothing
    would choke an answer from the darkness.

    i contemplated wildly what might become
    of me if i went looking,
    but realized the effort was futile...
    i filtered the sand between my toes and knew one step more meant i would become intimate with the black abyss below.

    plate movements below the rumbling crust of this earth had made this place long before the sand i stood in had been born.

    i was ready.
    i lifted one foot from the fluid sand
    below the water,
    i saw my pale knee flash up above the
    blind point in the water,
    and when it came down again,
    a step ahead,
    a final step,
    i tumbled forward.

    my last thought was:
    "please let me wash ashore
    in some distant place".

    and then blue oblivion engulfed me.

    there was cold beneath the
    eerily calm salt water.

    cold and blue,
    then black and salt stinging my eyes.

    i phased out.

    the dreams lasted a lifetime,
    then my brain realized it was short of oxygen, it tried to panic,
    but the thick cloud of pleasant illusions kept it stifled, silent, and i passed without so much as a rush of adrenalin.

    and that was that.

    my body washed up on some distant shore.

    and sand stuck to the skin until it
    decayed like any other
    sea-creature on the beach would.





    Submitted on 2006-09-15 02:05:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Washing up on a distant shore dead? It's kind of strange the meaning of one last voyage and embracing death. I would suggest dropping the "and that was that" Although it may seem like an apt wrap it is a line that weakens this piece unnecessarily. peace
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      The format to this piece was interesting.
    The use of short snappy sentances and lines fitted the fear to the piece. The only thing that annoyed me was that everything had lower case lettering. I'm a confessed perfectionist, so those kinda things bug me.

    'the dreams lasted a lifetime,
    then my brain realized'
    I suggest you take out the 'then'. Due to the drama of what's going on snappiness works better and 'then' softerns the next line. Take it out and it's a lot sharper.

    Nice imagery

    | Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]
      Whoa!! This is some account of drowning I must say. The imagery here is very good and the words pull the reader in to it. At first I was curious to see where this was going, the title didnt give too much away at first and the words just kept me interested all the way through. I like how you portrayed this way of dying in a pleasant kind of way (not that dying in any fashion would be pleasant) but the way you express it here is soothing and makes it seem not so bad. The ending is good too and I like how you tie in the washing ashore on the distant shore from the beginning here and then of course the decaying part was kinda gross but oh so true. This was a most interesting read. Nice job.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    118202

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry