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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ramendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tissue
    ASL Info:    17/Male/New York
    Elite Ratio:    5.06 - 80/87/33
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 757
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 472



    Description:
       A story that may seem humorous, but was actually written while seriously contemplating the probable thoughts of lost, burnt, dropped food. Laugh if you want, but be sympathetic for this poor little ramen noodle.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRamendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Just a ramen noodle. A lone
    Ramen noodle, left behind after its cooker
    Had eaten the rest. Through clumsiness,
    The artificial worm fell to the waiting
    Towel, where it lay for the
    Remainder of dinner.

    Silently, it weeps soy sauce, knowing that it
    Deserved something more. But, for this noodle,
    Life is over. Without a second thought, its to-be consumer
    Scoops it up and throws it away
    To rot.




    Submitted on 2006-09-15 09:48:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      As possessive as I am of at least the semblance of rhyme within a poem, I did find myself smiling at the plight of the poor noodle, alone and forgotten on the floor, and at the same time, a little sad for his unrealized potential and grim fate.

    If I was to go line by line in analysis:

    L1: I like the potential wordplay of A lone perhaps coming together to spell Alone in this section. It actually made me do a double-take to check.

    L2: If I had to point out something to change within this line, it would be finding a more suitable word than 'cooker' to describe the one who dropped our poor, lost, noodly friend. One, because cooker, I believe, isn't a real word in the context you are using it, and because this leaves space for a pinch of depth to the poem.

    L3: I wonder why one Ramen is personified and not the rest. On that note, I think that 'the rest' could be changed to another word, perhaps establishing consistency throughout the piece, of Ramen transcending noodlehood.

    L4-L6: I like Lines four through six in general, especially the 'artificial worm' bit, though it does make me cringe to think of Ramen as a worm. Perhaps, and this is merely an off-hand suggestion, you might change the word to something which leaves the reader more sympathetic to his plight.

    L7-L8: Absolutely amazing line. 'Silently, it weeps soy sauce.' And the combination of the next part of the line and half of the following line cements the poor creature within my heart, though in retrospect it strikes me as odd that he would want to be eaten, though on that not, I'm not sure the noodle is a he or a she. It seems that digestion would be painful to say the least.

    L9-L11: I might change to-be to a past tense form of the phrase, since if it was the noodle's to-be consumer, our Ramen has yet to be consumed, rather than thrown away 'to rot.' Also... I think there's heavy potential in this poem for allegorical implications, rather than simply a humorous tale. You might take that and run with it, or you could just ignore it, but I love pieces that manage to be light with a deeper, darker meaning.
    I love this as it is. I DO think that with a few tweaks, it could be made into an absolutely excellent piece. Just stuff to think about.
    And... oddly enough, my commentary is longer than the poem itself.... Sorry. I tend to elaborate past normal means of expression.

    Until our paths should chance to cross again.

    Fade
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by Fade ElBrunen | [ Reply to This ]
      sorry, i had to laugh, even after i read the description.

    a ramen noodle personified..makes for comical stuff...but...i do see how one could feel sympathetic....

    great description though...although this style of writing isn't really my favorite, i enjoyed the piece because it was put together creatively and artistically...

    really enjoyable is my final word....well my almost final word(s)...

    the last thing is....you have a lot of time on your hands....
    but it worked out for the best.
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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