Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unfinisheddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tissue
    ASL Info:    17/Male/New York
    Elite Ratio:    5.06 - 80/87/33
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1050
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 430



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnfinisheddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Is there anything more pitiful than an
    unfinished poem?

    Perhaps the daisy that was too small,
    to be in the bouquet.
    Perhaps the word left defiled of its
    true meaning, and instead misused.
    Perhaps the mole, for never seeing
    the wonderous light of the sun.

    More likely, though, it is the reader
    who suffers. Forever will he wonder
    what came next.




    Submitted on 2006-09-15 09:52:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Forever will he wonder
    what came next."

    --The inverted syntax of your closing statement was awkward to me. I've read through this and think (personal opinion here) that maybe changing it to:
    "He'll forever wonder
    what came next."

    --could work better for this poem overall, and give it a more 'modern' touch, as opposed to the more Victorian English I'm reading here. I only say this because there's no other obvious syntax inversion in the preceding parts-- nothing obvious anyway.

    As for the poem's theme, yes it's one that's been overdone, but you've given it freshness through your wording and metaphors, relating it to a daisy and a mole. I'm actually all for using themes that have been done to death, as long as there's a unique twist to it that sheds light on it in a different way, which you've done. Subvert themes, use clichés etc etc and make it your own...

    One other thing-- in these two parts:
    "Perhaps the daisy that was too small(,)
    to be in the bouquet."

    --and--
    "More likely(,) though,"
    --I'll question your commas in parentheses, just because, when read out, I either naturally pause at the end of the line in the first example, or else read through without a pause in the second.

    But hey, again, just personal preference here, which you're free to use or dismiss as you will.

    An interesting short poem.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      at first,

    i thought that the subject matter was overused...so i was disappointed after reading the first line...

    but once again,

    you surprised me, and made me shake a finger at myself for judging before reading the entire thing...

    your description in the middle was unique and beautiful....and you just get extra points for mentioning a mole and sunlight, because it reminded me of one of my favorite movies...

    the ending...

    while good, went back to the overused subject matter...but...from personal experience, the reader always wonders what came next....

    i however thinks it's the writer that suffers...because once the moments gone, the poem is gone...and his wonderment of what came next is greater than the reader....since the reader came in with no expectation....

    you have yet to be predictable...
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    118236

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry