Dead Poetic by silent

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Submission Name: Dead Poetic dots

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Author:	silent_death12
Elite Ratio:	7.92 - 1716/792/130
Words:	171

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	215
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	1023

Description:
yay for another random, boredom-induced write

I know it can be a lot better, I literally just wrote this so it'll take some cleaning up.
~jess
**oh yea, and of course all credit to the title goes to the amazing band dead poetic, my writing doesn't nearly do use of the name any justice.

Dead Poetic dots

-------------------------------------------

Tears burning their own type of pain onto my face,
the silhouette of every tear, traces of another "scar".
what am I waiting for? this doubt just shatters faith.
I can't take the pain I carelessly created...
I can't write your name until my trust is reinstated,
all I need is for you to bury me,
to bring forth my foretold death;
bring truth to my fictional prophecy.
and speak of irony in my epitaph.
walking by graves with names etched in stone,
is that enough of a life story to be told?
should I fly away from this dim sunset?
I'll only meet another, to follow the last.
the last time I found any joy in the light,
was when I could look past your tears-
long enough to see the shadow of a smile.
and I bleed my own depression into death,
only to find you were always my escape:
from life and death and the pain that binds them,
could you save me in death too?

Submitted on 2006-09-15 21:19:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  uhm, i have to say i loooove dead poetic.
they're good. i love the vocab you used throughout,
it made it seem alot deeper and have feeling in it.
i can understand how you said that it was just some randomness.
overall i liked it, but ive read your stuff and you can do better.

<3
| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree, not you're best, try giving it a re-write, see what comes of it.
| Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by Nihilist Weasel | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this write. it was very deep and emotional. i loved how you worded it. it was alittle confusing at times. like how you add 'i can't write my name
| Posted on 2006-09-22 00:00:00 | by His goth child | [ Reply to This ]
  You're correct on all counts: The lines seem random, you obviously "just" wrote it, it CAN be a lot better, and it WILL take some cleaning up.
Given that this is a critique site, let me cite specifics: The use of “tear” in consecutive lines (1 & 2); “their own type of pain” is awkward, the language plain & unispired. Perhaps, “Tears that burn their own peculiar pain upon my face” or “...etch their pain upon the map of gloomy face”. “Just” in L3 is a filler word (like Weber’s bread). “carelessly created” is nice. It alliterates and the rhythm works well. In contrast, “reinstated” doesn’t work. Too formal for a feel-type poem, and the effort to rhyme is awkward, forced. “walking by graves with names etched in stone” has a nice rhythm, but sounds trite. Of course the names are etched in stone. What else would they be etched in? If you had taken “stone” as a jumping-off point for a string of metaphors, it might have been appropriate. Also that line & the next should have been combined into a single phrase.
These are just a few of the flaws of this piece. If you present the rest of us a work carelessly tossed off, we who work carefully to craft each piece will critique it without a sugar-coat. If we see that you've put more effort into it, we will be glad to offer it more praise.
fred
| Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
  huh, well it's better than the band; i'll give you that. but shame on you; self-inflicted bleeding is bad!(yes i know i'm being hippocritical, but it's been a couple weeks, so there!) it's a shame you took it upon yourself to write this(not cause it sux either!) despite the " boredom" it seems more depressing than usual, and so much pain seeping though the ink; i hate i; but onyl cause i love you. bye now, hope your better!
| Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
  Hum, well for a write its not your best and when it comes to a subject it bothers me, because I know you are capable of upbeat things you just dont do it because you think in your own mind that you arent capable of it, I will say this not out of spite or anger, or bashing of your work, but Hatred, and Depression, generally cause more nostalgic and usually worse writes in the fact that you arent fully focused on the subject as your to busy sulking to have your full vocab.
| Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey jess,

You're definitely angsty but with alot of heart and skill as a poet.
I sort of read through the other comments, and really don't agree that this is not up to par. It is, because it sounds honest and the voice is consistent with the other work I've read of yours.

You take us on a trip through faith and that is an admirable one. We all question at times, its normal. I think we're all tested to the point of our limits over and over. But the same idea comes to mind here as with the last write and that is to divide it into strophes.

Tears burning their own type of pain onto my face,
the silhouette of every tear, traces of another "scar".
what am I waiting for? this doubt just shatters faith.

I can't take the pain I carelessly created...
I can't write your name until my trust is reinstated,
all I need is for you to bury me,
to bring forth my foretold death;
bring truth to my fictional prophecy,
and speak of irony in my epitaph.

walking by graves with names etched in stone,
is that enough of a life story to be told?
should I fly away from this dim sunset?
I'll only meet another, to follow the last.

the last time I found any joy in the light,
was when I could look past your tears-
long enough to see the shadow of a smile.
and I bleed my own depression into death,
only to find you were always my escape:
from life and death and the pain that binds them,
could you save me in death too?

I still think we're going for the metaphorical death of poetry and bleeding ink. Keep writing, and unfurl those wings anytime you can. Thanks for sharing,

Nan
| Posted on 2006-12-05 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  "I'm getting more pissed with every passing heartbeat. Yet, one can only wonder, isn't every pasing heartbeat another step towards death? Are we not in this world, only so we can die? Is the only reason of living, dying? What purpose do we have, to get up every morning, to a scarred body, work, and do it all over again? Are nothing but toys to a supposed god, moving around and doing everything he "commands"? Does this not mean that suicide is the easiest way out? People say that you shouldn't kill yourself because it's easy, well, isn't anyone who's ever cheated on anything taking the easy way out? So they really can't be saying nothing and still not be involved with hypocrisy. Do we live in a world of liars and hypocrites? Or do they just keep us alive for their own well-being, if they really loved you, they'd let you go to a place where you'd be in peace. This is were hatred comes from, too many people thinking about themselves and not letting others go, making them live a life they don't want to live anymore. Or maybe, the suicidal people are the selfish ones, only thinking about themselves and trying to escape to a better place. That, my friend, is what I want to know." --Ida Mehmoush

nuff said.

Loq Daddy
| Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]

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