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Shattered forms that shape the dust,
where in passing foot falls gust,
has left an imprint, only just,
where she once walked across my floor.
In the winds small wisps of swirling,
a small leaf with edges curling,
sits upon my floor a whirling,
where her presence graced that door.
And in its small and sallow breeze,
scent remembered, senses tease,
on your scent my senses seize,
remnants of the times of yore.
All that’s left’s for me to mire,
is but loss of heart's desire,
to my heart the floor is higher,
and my heart knows love no more.
Now these darkened palisades
once held fondness in my gaze
have seen there, brighter better days.
Days I wholly did adore,
so here I sit... Until I tire...
To do but naught...
just sit and mire.
What about?.. My heart's desire…
and the Loneliness I cannot ignore.
It feels like
…I will love
| I loved that poem "The Raven" when i was small, for a specific reason though. When i was a kind, this piece was shown in the Simpsons treehouse of horror first season. I didn't know back then that i would be interested in poems but when i did and when i read that piece, i was reminded how certain things just happen to come together.|
It's nice that you wrote a piece similar to the original however i feel that certain lines were forced as though you were trying to be like this writer. It made me feel that you didn't want to change the way it was originally written. I think maybe going your own way and writing it the way you'd like it to be. I'm sure you won't get killed for that unless you prefer that this piece remains the way like the original which i don't have a problem either.
Still overall, i enjoyed this just the same way i enjoyed "The raven". It's nice to be reminded of true art from time to time.
Do take care....
|| Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ] || The style was reminiscent of Poe's "The Raven", and I really liked the interior rhyme. It's a style that isn't much used.|
I did have a couple of problems though, actually three.
1. Way, way too many words. A poet finds power in expressing his message in as few words as possible. I think this would benefit IMMENSELY by a severe pruning.
2. Forcing the rhyme. You've done that quite a bit here. "...a foot falls gust." Huh? "All that's left for me to mire" All that's left for you to stick in the mud? Again "...to but just sit and mire" This line has a ton of problems but it's still stuck in the mud. "And to my heart, the floor is higher." I understand, I think, that your heart is feeling faint, but this is a really bad rhyme.
Forcing your rhyme is a serious problem here, and it's a big no-no for rhyming poetry.
3. Spelling. It counts. And so does punctuation, if you're using it, which you are. "censes" should be senses. "My hearts desire" should be "heart's desire", etc.
Writing rhyming poetry well is extremely difficult. But it needs to be done well or it's not worth doing, because, frankly, poor rhyming poetry isn't worth reading. You have a good start here, but it needs a lot - repeat, A LOT - of work. Which doesn't mean that I don't think it's worth the work - quite the contrary. It takes practice to write good rhyming poetry, which means that a poet is going to write a lot of bad rhyming poetry first. I'd love to see a revision of this, if you should feel so inclined. mae
|| Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ] || lots of people try to immitate poe's style...but here it actually worked...|
i liked the way this piece was structured...not in lines but in blocks of writing...it flowed well, vocabulary useage was great, and the images were just...breath taking...especially the dust covered floor and the footprint...
there were a few....grammatical errors...such as censes for senses and not for naught...i don't know if that was on purpose for your own style or if you just quickly posted this piece and over looked them...
i didn't really understand the bit about the floor being higher...and because i didn't understand it, it made it seem as if it were for rhyming purpose only...
and the last piece of this feels rushes...well not the last part but...
So here I sit, until I tire, to do but not, but to just sit and mire,
About what ? My hearts desire, and the loneliness I cannot ignore.
it feels as if you were quickly trying to end the piece, so the flow is a bit off compared to the rest of the poem...
overall though, i think the images you brought forth made up for any of the small grammatical or flow errors....nice work
and nice description
|| Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ] |