Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: New Asphyxiationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darth Zeus
    ASL Info:    21/F/Vacuum
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 369/226/34
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1713
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1049



    Description:
       This is not about cutting.
    I'll just say this in advance, before you may get it wrong.
    Thanks to Joe, for offering some help, and to Doh, for reading this like 20 times.
    Any comment will be appreciated, as long as you stay honest and say just a little more than; "I like/hate it!"
    thanks.

    Ps, title suggestions are welcome too, I just mnamed it New asphyxiation because it was the first I could think of.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNew Asphyxiationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Exposed to new asphyxiation,
    a wound carved deep,
    with the sutures ripped out.
    What first was a stitched scar,
    sewn and sealed,
    is now torn open,
    as fresh blood escapes,
    and bleeds like before.

    A cold grasp came
    to heist me from my peace,
    and bashed the fragile silence
    which I had just rebuilt.
    Blinded to every other sound
    deafened by the past,
    the gate of screams re-opened,
    and they resound in my head.
    My ears hear nothing else.

    It's a startling surprise,
    that stabbed me from behind.
    Now haunts me when Iím sleeping,
    and breaks me when itís light.
    Piercing and burning,
    reminding me all day;
    itís there again,
    itís bleeding-
    the memory revived.

    Though my blood has all run cold,
    I wish it would be frozen.
    Anything to stop it flow,
    and spilling pain all over.




    Submitted on 2006-09-16 13:07:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I can definetly see where this could be confused with a poem about cutting. But after we are told its not about cutting, we look closer. And we see what the poem is actually saying. I dont no if my interpretation is right, but I think you are giving internal wounds (the ones to the emotions or mind) and giving them a physical picture, helping us to understand. To imagine the pain and hurt, and to see how damaged it is.

    But this is only my interptretation.

    Great job-

    Shadow Doll (Safire)
    | Posted on 2007-11-23 00:00:00 | by girly101 | [ Reply to This ]
      Jann!
    Having talked to you about the surgery, the 'wound' here seems to me of a deeper psychological nature than a physical one. In Hindu philosophy, we say that the disease is in the mind. It's psychosomatic, most of the times. The feeling here seems like a wall which is strong, preoccupying, troubling, and stands in the way of your thought. And keeps nudging you everytime you try to break free. It gives me the image of a bully. The desperation is evident jann, and i can not help see it.
    Blood here signifies a lot. For you, i would think of it as your spirit, the creative, active, passionate one. Try talking to yourself in front of the mirror. Sometimes writing a diary, or similar sort of self reflection helps you trace the root of the bothering. I'm sure you're way stronger.
    Love,
    Mihir
    | Posted on 2007-04-17 00:00:00 | by mihir | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi,
    This is an extremely good write. I have not read anything of this level on elite in a long time and frankly I never expected to again. I love the images of pains and shame that this poem forces into my mind because that is what it does it forces those images on the reader and makes the reader understand that pain as if they were experiencing it first hand. This is definately a favorites addition. Congratulations you have impressed me quite a bit and I am one critic that it is hard to impress.


    Sage
    | Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good write. It is filled with great descriptive words that provide some good imagery here and also allows the reader to feel what this feels like. The past is something that can reach out and grab you when you least expect it and it can surely be painful. I like the analogy of a wound that has ripped open. I have a suggestion for you for the title too. Being a registered nurse I have seen my share of wounds that were previously stitched closed with sutures and then with too much pressure or infection it busts the sutures and all the insides come oozing out of it. This most commonly happens to stomach and abdominal wounds and the medical term for it is "dehiscence" and it means to split open. It is a pretty cool word and I think it pertains to this poem perfectly for a title. Whatcha think? Anyway, a good write.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooh, this is pretty well written. I don't think I can offer my help here; wouldn't want anything to change. I liked the first and last stanza the most. The wording in the beginning was particularly good. I don't think you should change the title; it gives a tiny briefing about what it's going to be about; but doesn't reveal too much. A nice touch there. Maybe you could revise the punctuation or something [I just said that because I can't think of anything else. heehee.] Sorry I wasn't much help here


    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright, babe. I told you I'd coment and here I am. First off, I like the title. It really catches your attention.

    Now, for the actual poem.

    The imagery in the first stanza is amazing. It made my arm tingle, the feeling of having a deep wound reopened. Ouch. The decription itself hurts. I can see the blood running anew, free of its dam.

    The second stanza, again, great imagery. Old wounds you thought had healed, become infected again and burst open. Old hurt comes back, full force to shatter what you had gained in peace. The feeling of being torn from the reverie you created, another powerful emotion that broke away from being mere words. This thing you kept in submission grew and has the ability to make you concentrate on only it.

    On to the third. This one explains more about what is heppening, I think. Or at least that is what it did for me. "it's there again... the memory revived." This memory comes at you when you are most vulnerable. In sleep, when all your defences are down.

    Fourth and final stanza. The literary finale. Wishing it was over, yet, knowing it has just begun.

    Wonderful, Pookie, simply wonderful.
    | Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright, honesty is what you want and you shall recieve it my dear. lol. Nothing in this poem suggest suffocation, alot of bleeeding but not lost of oxygen or being stifled even in a emotional way. That is what your title and first line suggest is the cause of your pain. Maybe stanza 2, now that I reread it. But barely. Yes change the title to something else that coincides with your poem itself. As for the meaning, I get the feeling you are haunted by painful memories that barely heal before the reopen in your mind causing you to feel the pain all over again. As for the poem, it was well written, and very creative with images vividly described. I would not change the poem itself, just the title and the first line abot asphyxiation. Overall, great poem misleading title.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Okies....

    Honesty is in order this does sound like cutting but as you said it wasnt so i will take this a new way.

    On what i wish to say...this is not a kind of poem i read everyday. Ok if it was cuttting it would be but my point i am trying to say is the style and the way you wrote it is unique to me.
    i dont find many poems that actually capture my attention as this has. also it is more mature than what i usually read/write. i hate cheesey ass poems and sadly i just wrote one so i am glad to have read this one because it takes my mind off all the other anywho i digress sorry.

    Back to the poem. I wish to know more for this really has struck my interest. so if its not to much can you please send me a PM that explains it more. i am curious as to what triggered this to be put into writting. am i making the slightless bit of sence?

    Now to the emotion. This did have plenty of it and i really am in love with this.

    Now i have read this for like the millionth time to understand it better and i think i am. my first impression was that it was about cutting but then i think the lines that start to draw you away from that is this.."
    It's a startling surprise,
    that stabbed me from behind.
    Now haunts me when Iím sleeping,
    and breaks me when itís light."

    those are also the lines that drew me most into what you were feeling. that is beautifully written jann. its very heart felt and also very true sadly many including i can relate to such a horrendous thing (damn wish i could spell!!!)

    I agree with Irina on the idea for a tittle.
    there is nothing wrong with the one you have
    but i think you can do better justice to such an amazing poem

    I am going to add this to my favs. hun and this is an amazing peice i hope i didnt confuse you to much with all i wrote god knows i confused myself but i got the point lol. thank you so much for allowing me to read this

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*
    | Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey,

    I must say this is very profound. Made me think as though i was in your shoes. Maybe because i've already been through this.

    I didn't think that it had anything to do with cutting. I thought it was something that happened in your past that you thought had healed only the problem is that your past has came back to haunt you and now the wounds are reopening. Pain is something we can't deal with very oftenly because it's a memory that stays very close to you until you finally come to terms with it and sometimes when you think all is okay again, it comes back and reminds you of the same pain.

    I also must say that you do need another title. For one thing, for those who don't really know what that means ( honestly i went to the dictionary for this word), it doesn't really grasp to them that strongly and two it doesn't really affect the readers so much with first impressions. I think you know how first impressions are important.

    I was thinking maybe use a few titles which would be common to your past or a pain coming back from your past or a memory or some grasping title for suffering. Choosing a title is hard and you're the only person who can be pleased with what you write.

    Other than that, I hope you're doing well. It's been a while.

    Take care.....
    ~Irina
    | Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    118367

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Tidal written by OneDarkFlame92
    Dreamt written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Shading written by saartha
    Hazy Half-Moon written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Blinded by Sight written by Torie
    Lying Acceptance written by ForgottenGraves
    Rough written by saartha
    motivations, eclectic. written by Daniel Barlow
    Collision written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Orange written by saartha
    Ardent written by saartha
    Moon and Me written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Summer of Peaches written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Forgetting You written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Reveled Night written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Forget written by Crestfallenman
    'Cause You're Mine, I Walk the Line. written by Torie
    Sleeping Giant written by MyPeriodical
    Ahem written by Daniel Barlow
    Jar (working title) written by rev.jpfadeproof
    a trish poem written by Daniel Barlow
    Roots written by Chelebel
    No More Damn Love Poems written by rev.jpfadeproof
    BlackBerry Bushes written by Daniel Barlow
    The Forgotten Umbrella written by garnet4david
    TSC written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Chèvrefeuille written by rev.jpfadeproof
    being direct, it's written by Daniel Barlow
    Buried written by MyPeriodical
    Fizzy Love written by rev.jpfadeproof

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry