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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sweet Sorrowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ari Leukos
    ASL Info:    17/Male/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.92 - 92/129/44
    Words: 254
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 147
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1590



    Description:
       A free poem..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSweet Sorrowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A sham and play, such twists of words,
    Illusions: now speak and soothe my soul!
    Hide the fading of the lights by which I see
    Keep away now, destined sorrow: my reality

    I would speak to you, if I could
    And run away to new life
    As though it were in the twilight of chances
    And all hope lost as stars sink behind clouds of frailty
    Upon night clouds the lone, last bird dances
    And lights a flame at dusk

    Did you hear the words I never spoke?
    Could you feel the hesitating breath
    Of a sigh that was never breathed?
    Does the soul tell the heart
    Of those prayers it has heard?

    Speak! Run! Live, and follow!
    Say what we all know is meant;
    Rush to the prize I would give,
    And live to the fullest you could have possibly dreamt
    There is so little time, so follow my steps
    Trace my breaking heart, so curiously torn and bent

    I’ll lace my words with veiled passions between the lies
         Lines that sound of careless comfort
    And I’ll move as though every motion held a truth
         Truly, look and understand:
    Understand all those dreams and shames I could ne’er pronounce

    I have loved, and yet have never loved
    And you I have seen and held
    But you, have I ever known?
    For I have no heart, but that which I’ve borrowed
    Ah, but the tears I shed for you:
    Their stain is such sweet sorrow!




    Submitted on 2006-09-16 23:27:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      And live [the to] fullest you could have possibly dreamt
    transpose the words in brackets...

    heh...another one. too bad no one else commented on this work. when it comes to a poet with an imagination these days, it is as though the critique's mind and sense of discernment has turned to mush and rice-meal.

    they shy away from works where they cannot find anything or any suitable basis by which to slander, bash and chide the poet's pride, sense of accomplishment and works which are in all cases, a spitting image of him or her.

    yet, they will comment on Joe Schmoe's poetry, uplifting and praising him. or destroying his walls w/their hot-tongued speech and serpentine motives, because of this...

    it's easy.

    and so, with that being said, i go to this piece.

    well, i did think that in the opening stanza, you might have had a bit of trouble finishing this one off. i say this because...

    A sham and play, such twists of words,
    Illusions: now speak and soothe my soul!
    Hide the fading of the lights by which I see
    Keep away now, destined sorrow: my reality

    ---

    Speak! Run! Live, and follow!
    Say what we all know is meant;
    Rush to the prize I would give,
    And live the to fullest you could have possibly dreamt
    There is so little time, so follow my steps
    Trace my breaking heart, so curiously torn and bent

    ---

    now if you contrast these two stanza against one another, and against other stanzas in this work, you'll see that the latter semed somewhat...forced-or lacking that same purport and lividry, both vocabularic and when looking at imagery in light of the others.

    there are actually lines in this stanza that could be removed, not entirely or at all changing this poem's meaning. it also seemed simplistic, almost as a filler, and from knowing you all this time, and reading your prior works, i know you could have come up with something more feasible .

    other than that stanza, i thought the rest was quite solid. looking at the meter and phonetics once more, the phonetics near-perfect, and the meter, when analyzed, shows intelligence and imagination, and i like that .

    yet another tale of love, never actually having someone wrapped about your heart like a rememberance string 'bout the walls of your heart as a finger, but always having the incision created, an embossed ring around your finger where the actual once stood.

    a borrowed heart yes, borrowed emotions, trying to feel something towards someone not out of genuinity, but out of want and desire alone, as the tears fall, reminding you of a past love-and what those tears meant, or as a testament to that which you shall never have.

    overall-i liked it.
    Loquacious Mind
    keep writing
    | Posted on 2006-09-23 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]


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