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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: baby's tearsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: brokenbatman
    Elite Ratio:    2.99 - 475/233/44
    Words: 193
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 1202
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 994



    Description:
       just working on the basic story for a chapter, please help


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbaby's tearsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Damn it! I know a father is supposed to cry when he loses a child but I can't. Feel far away from here and all of the last few days are clouded. To many "if there is anything I can do" and "call me and we will talk about it" messing with my mind. Don't they realize I have three other children with shattered hearts looking to me for that firm hug and reassuring voice to help them make it another day.
    Daddy is bruised by the loss I just don't have the luxury of letting my feelings out. My children have lost a baby and I have got to make it better. Love is the only thing that will ease the pain they are feeling. Mommy is not talking very much and they can tell she needs us to be strong, so together the kids and me will pull her through this. Good mommas don't deserve their hearts torn out and burried in th family cemetary. Doc am I thinking right or am I a little off? Is there anything more I can do? Doc? Hello Doc are you still there?




    Submitted on 2004-05-23 01:56:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ditto to what interpolation said about you seeing much in the basic premise laa laa laa etc. and i know you're trying to get a strong point across... but it seems somewhat forced.

    depression is anger without enthusiasm... and the damn it doesn't really suit the mood of the piece. situations like this... if there's anger, it's only quiet anger and it's normally self-directed.

    anyways, just my two cents.
    | Posted on 2004-05-26 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]
      A very good start. Though I feel you could up the grade on your choice of words. You see alot in the basic premise of social interaction to certain situations many of us face, but the dialogue is of a lower standard. When writing you want to bring people up to a level of understanding deeper issues. All the while enriching the tapestry your interweaving with articulated and moving words. Your already on the cusp. Hope this helps even in the smallest way. Great job thus far.
    | Posted on 2004-05-23 00:00:00 | by Interpolation | [ Reply to This ]


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