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    dots Submission Name: Saint, Seductress and Saviordots

    Author: heartlessname
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 48/58/14
    Words: 684
    Class/Type: Prose/Love
    Total Views: 964
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4177

       Heh.. I wrote this for my girlfriend.. to be given to her on our six month anniversary. It's my first attempt at a love poem, but I think she liked it. Bottom line is, I don't believe anyone on ES is actually gonna read this, 'cause it's long, and generally when people see such long posts they just move on. Anyways, if you do start, I doubt you'll finish, but if so enjoy reading although, ionna, comment if you want but I already gave it to her so there isn't much to be said.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSaint, Seductress and Saviordots

    Before we had met, we were buried, so it made sense
    that we saw each other for the first time underground.
    On that day I unearthed you,
    my saving grace in the cemetery soil.
    Above the graves that carry us apart,
    our first kiss woke the dead in me,
    to breathe passion once more.
    When my eyes were first graced by your perfect figure,
    they saw dreams brought to life in angelic form.
    To see you rise with such ecstatic delight,
    gave me an unrivaled feeling that I was at last accepted.
    All the lightning that ever struck the yearning earth
    was encapsulated in our first embrace.
    It will be the last thing I would want to recall
    once life tires of this puppet
    and time finishes it's work.

    Anticipation did not sleep in nights spent apart.
    But during evenings together
    a re-birth of perceptions occurred;
    through epiphany hours.
    A true meaning and value set to an affectionate beat.
    My heart played percussion
    as we tenderly shared one another,
    banging louder than a legion of cannons
    firing thunderstorms into the sky,
    as if attempting to break free of my chest to seize you for itself.
    The universe between us
    I pass through for each caress
    appears infinite, then miniscule every time we touch.
    Moons and stars together with galaxies combined,
    cannot add up to the cosmic lust and rapture I exhibit towards you.
    The colossal intervals the sun's rays travel,
    or the velocity at which they sail through space,
    cannot begin to guage
    what I would do for you,
    my pinnacle beauty.

    The heavens would turn green at a love like ours:
    We'd be chased by clouds
    and lost in crowds of angels trying to take you from me.
    I am the demon that possesses your soul though you've invited me to stay.
    I could not have found more perfection
    if I had discovered God himself dwelling in you,
    nor would I be surprised to see him bathing in your purity.
    My amorous mortality, I pledge to you;
    and vow to be with you until the finish,
    which may come from death or spoken words
    or thoughts that grow one day.
    But evermore I shall be yours to call in unceasing romance,
    until your throat turns dry and desires a new taste unbitter.
    Our compassion is the greatest equation,
    one which we'll never understand or need to solve.
    We'll only feed it new terms through an endless devotion
    as we scrawl it on our bodies.
    A million years and a million minds
    is a million failures to quantify this love.
    I'm a soldier in your internal army,
    to fight the wars you cannot bear,
    and guide you along a battlefield existance.
    You keep me marching on in merciless trenches,
    that journey through this loathesome world,
    in the name of eternal love.
    There's no enemy I can't kill, with you in my mind
    or problem to which I have no strategy, with you in my heart.
    You are the force and humanity I never had
    or thought I could sustain.

    I am a peasant bound to a hill of gold;
    my gleaming yellow beauty.
    Your gemstone eyes gazing into mine
    are the only riches I would ever crave or cherish.
    To be with you always is the
    paramount wealth any man could obtain.
    When you hold me I'm a demon that dies in your arms,
    reborn with white wings to fly above what I once called home;
    those Hells of human creation.
    What do I now owe the divine spirit force?
    How could I ever settle this account?
    To be so favorably indebted;
    given something so precious,
    for nothing in return
    seems unjust.

    I'm seven deadly sins
    and you're a thousand prayers of salvation and beauty.
    Saint, seductress and savior...
    known to me as Sumaya.

    Submitted on 2006-09-17 11:33:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I read this entire piece because i couldn't stop. Where do i start, this is dark and absolutely beautiful. This is a write that makes me want to weep. *awed* This is so going on my favorites, true it is long, but every verse is well worth the time. As far as a love poem goes this is the best i have ever read. Wow
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]
      So yeah, I remember saying to Joe that I would comment on this, so that's what I'm going to do. Or try, whatever.
    So yeah I would have skipped this because it is very long, but I had read it already so it would be lame not to comment I guess.
    I don't feel much like taking out pieces and discuss them, or offer any help.
    What I'll do is say that I think this is a very good write, and it shows that you've put a lot of thought and time in this.
    Admitted, some parts sound a bit corny. but it's sweet as hell, Sumaya is a lucky woman I think.
    [btw I find anything with angels or angelic rather corny, and euhm yeah thats really a lot, never mind]
    The 'i am a peasant"part reminds me of the converstaion we had, about Joe and Jan being a kind of old peasant names and stuff, lol.

    as to not write anymore useless things, you already told you my view on this, I will stop now.

    [i'll skip the God Bless part]
    | Posted on 2006-09-23 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      *Sighs* Holy moly. I read this because I remember you randomly posting bits and pieces of it places. And, that you worked on it a LONG time. And, even though you've already given it to her. I'm still going to comment. And, it isn't going to be a critiquing comment. Just a, wow, comment. So, I'm sorry for following the masses of ES lately and going:





    Yep, because that's what it was. Why? Because you had your muse. You wrote every drop of love with a vocabulary that left my mind reeling.

    Jeez, I hope I can make a guy feel like this someday.

    Good write, Joe.

    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      the first thing i noticed is that you tend to personify quite a few emotions or life-properties in this piece, such as Love, Life, Death...etc, yet they aren't emphatically capitalized in order to properly draw attention, place emphasis etching these words into the reader's subconscious so even after reading, two weeks down the road they'll be thinking about nothing at all, and happen to remember those words if nothing else, and denote these words as Pronouns since they were given human-like qualities such as possesion. but like you said you already gave it to here, just a suggestion.

    Time was another one

    I am the demon that possesses your soul though you've invited me to stay.
    I could not have found more perfection
    if I had discovered God himself dwelling in your soul,
    the repitition of soul was just...unsound to put it bluntly. i know how creative you are and ingenuitive in your writes, and just thought that you could have found a better substitute. perhaps fine for a lady, but shouldn't the apple of your heart demand only the finest, most refined talent procreation could muster?

    unceasing romance
    ugh, i do it all the time, unsound as hell lol. i'd try

    incessant romance.
    more flowery to fit the tone, sounds much better , same if not enhanced meaning. unceasing is just an ugly word for this case, like robundace...UGH...and phonetically much better...

    and in the following line unbitter was unsound as well... try

    so tender

    or just

    more phonetically pleasing when read aloud, the former had to much of a classical Bite to it if you know what i mean, sounded like you were playcastin for Julius Caesar or somethin lol.

    another thing that bothered me was the elongated lines, i felt a few of them felt quite over-extended, but what do i know right lol

    anyways, a very decent write, just a few cosmetic errors, and the poem needed a couple teaspoons of Nyquil, but that's about it. too bad no one else commented on this piece. its actually goin on my favs, for were i a female, and your 'yours truly', i would've been quite flattered that you went to such a length and waited such long whiles of eloquent speech to flatter me lol.

    Loq Dawg
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]

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