Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

a letter to you of honesty in eloquence


Author: freeradical
ASL Info:    22/feline/london
Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 311 /405 /63
Words: 307
Class/Type: Random Thoughts /Longing
Total Views: 1189
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1645



Description:




a letter to you of honesty in eloquence



i dialed the number so familiar, so dear to my heart and waited. for the way your voice possesses me completely and your words wrap around me as i wish your embrace would. the greatest leap of faith is between putting the phone to my ear- the million hours between that point, and when you answer.

and you were hidden, secretive as i heard other voices in the background. you weren't yourself, but yourself when you are with me is an entirely different man. wrapped in my heart, my soul and my legs; exactly as you are, exactly how you are meant to me.

i would prefer to be nonchalant, and cold about the entire affair, but you rip my defense to shreds and take no prisoners. except, maybe for my heart. and i wonder why you can't hear it in my voice, the silent plea for confirmation of everything we are and everywhere you possess me. and while your voice skirts the issue, flitting from one dalliance to another, every single bit of your tone caresses the singular spot reserved for you, deep in my being.

you say i'm too good to be true, trusting none of my words to be unique to you. and i'm screaming on the inside, throwing a tantrum equal only in like to those found on the various floors of grocery store across the continent. i have never been inconsistent in my emotions, no matter how volatile my nature. right now the only thing mercurial about me is the bile rising in my throat.

i wish this could just come true. blow instead of simmer, and let us slide the long slide down into the oblivion.

i love you.





Submitted on 2006-09-17 21:57:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Kiera, this was beautiful and for the most part, beautifully written. There were a couple of mechanical hiccups. I noticed you did not use capitals except for the pronoun I. Why is that?

*the greatest leap of faith is between putting the phone to my ear- the million hours between that point, and when you answer.*

This sentence was probably the most awkward of the whole piece. I don't think you really mean 'leap of faith' but something like the interminable time between putting the phone to your ear and when he answers. In the first part of the sentence, you say "between putting..." but then you don't given us anything else that that is 'between'. You need two things on the outside to be 'between'. This is just a hard-to-read sentence that needs to be rewritten.

*you weren't yourself, but yourself when you are with me is an entirely different man.*

This line goes from an expectation of a lovely sentence to something rather ordinary. Why don't you just say something like "you weren't yourself as you are when you're with me" or something like that. The "entirely different man" sounds so ordinary.

*wrapped in my heart, my soul and my legs; exactly as you are, exactly how you are meant to me*

This is a sentence fragment, and since you're actually writing in full sentences, this should really be fixed. It stands out as an error.

*except, maybe for my heart. * Another sentence fragment.

* deep in my being.* You're drifting into the land of clichés here. You don't need it anyway, because you've already said 'the spot reserved for you.'

I love your reference to tantrums thrown on the floors of grocery stores everywhere. That's cute.

And unlike your earlier commenter, I think it ended perfectly. If you hated him, you wouldn't be saying all the things you said.

A beautiful piece, Kiera. I really liked it. mae
| Posted on 2007-04-24 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  This is nice.You seem to be in a [censored]ed up relationship like I am.I like the writing but I don't like the ending. It should have been: I hate you! Call me. Too bad I don't live in England. You are exactly my type. Our relationship would work great. I would paint you naked and you would write for me not at me. I need someone real who has feelings not cages and waits to be awakened. Like you. Abandon him, awaken, find a true poet or painter. Smile.
| Posted on 2007-04-06 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
  a nice purr in he dark await a prey to come your way. If the prey doesn't come, move on to a better watch-site.
You have presented a nice panorama about someone infatuated with an object of affection.
| Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



118536