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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: **If I Coulddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Caotic_Disaster
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 447/349/148
    Words: 84
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 704
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 468



    Description:
       Not quite done. I started with the last stanza and worked my way up. Not a very effective way to write a poem. Been having really bad writes lately. Tell me what you think. Probably gonna add to it later.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots**If I Coulddots
    -------------------------------------------


    If I could touch you one last time,
    I would caress your soft cheek,
    So that my palm aches
    With the last parting.

    If I could look at you one last time,
    I would take in your deep blue eyes
    That tell me how you feel
    To help me heal you

    If I could tell you one last thing,
    That one thing that would change us forever,
    It would be that you have changed me,
    Into a better being.




    Submitted on 2006-09-18 16:40:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "So that my palm aches
    With the last parting."

    Love that couple of lines. Its a picture I get in my head. Its a style I'm not accustomed to, so I had to read it a few times to get the affect I think you were trying to evoke. But I do like it. I think the length is good but I would really love to see the imagry in your first stanza stretched. It starts out painfully then melts into something else...which is clever, if thats what you were going for..which you probably were so I'll stop babbling. Great job.
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by impassive sky | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really good write
    I immediately thought of my Mother reading this
    She has done so much for me in my Life and I will forever be thankful
    The only advice I would give is maybe make it a little longer and keep it carrying the same enotion you started the write with
    I stress thats totally up to you
    I would never tell someone how to write
    Great Job
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please keep in touch!!!
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      The sentiments of the poem are quite good and well presented. It has an imagery, which requires no further detail. I would not add more to it for fear of losing the moment you've captured.

    Well done.
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! That was really deep. It really stirs up a lot of emotion from me the reader. Great job!
    Ari
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by .:Ari:. | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a short write but lovingly writtenand I enjoyed reading it. Such a powerful message in such few words a wonderful piece.

    Wilma
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]


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