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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Once apon a time..dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Maskannai
    ASL Info:    25/Female/Utah
    Elite Ratio:    4.91 - 171/158/67
    Words: 191
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 154
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1243



    Description:
       I was listening to a really good country song that I just love and it made me think of something to write, so this is what came out of it..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOnce apon a time..dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Once apon a time,
    and yes I know what a cliché that is,
    but it really was once
    and a very long time ago;

    A young boys eyes
    met those of a young girl
    and electricity happened.

    They thought they loved,
    but really they lusted
    and as it sometimes happens
    they made a mistake.

    For them it was terrible,
    this budding life
    they didn't know what to do with,
    and they were so very scared.

    They married far too young,
    that proud boy and sweet girl
    and brought their mistake into the world,
    and then they loved.

    Big blue eyes and blonde ringlets
    adorned their mistake
    a short and long four years later
    and still they loved.

    A shaking ford truck
    with a bed full of clothes
    and fourteen years later
    their mistake was no longer a mistake,
    nor did they remember that it had been.

    They cried as they held each other
    and their little girl
    who had loved and been loved
    drove away and into the sunset,
    and yes that is a cliché as well,
    but it really was how it happened.




    Submitted on 2006-09-18 19:18:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I would put the first line of the piece and attach it to the second stanza as its first line then do away with the balance of the first stanza. Also the last line of the second stanza should be 'and happiness followed' since "electricity" seems so superficial. In the next to last stanza it would sound better if the last two lines would be: " their mistake is only just a remembrance of the past." The last three lines perhaps could be: " drove away into the sunset to make a life of her own. Then we knew our mistake was not a mistake at all." (I haven't meant to be intrusive into your work, but only offer my obsevations as suggestions.)
    | Posted on 2008-09-07 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      A poignant review of a mishap than became an error corrected. Then repeated again in the next generation but no mention of a correction.
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      well...clichés clichés clichés.

    the only thing in my opinion that took away from this piece was the fact that you painstakingly went through the effort in your words to bring this 'cliché' to my attention.

    i couldn't fully enjoy the story because of it. you did this twice, at the beginning, and at the end. i know you did this to create a sense or mood of nostalgic storytime/storywheel moments, or that of gazing into a moving photograph...but at the same time, the statement of the fact took me out of that which you were trying to create.

    removing those lines, or mentioning them only once i felt would have done justice to this piece enough.

    the second thing was as you were trying to create a sense of nostalgia, the form you used i felt didn't serve justice to this piece well at all. if it were in prose methinks a much better solution to this dilemma.

    some rough edges, but got the point nonetheless , and Ford should be capitalized, pronoun .

    Loquacious Mind
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]


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