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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Chaosdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: causticprincess
    ASL Info:    18/Female/College
    Elite Ratio:    1.15 - 18/7/5
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 934
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 800



    Description:
       Meh, I don't like this one at all. It's overdone, bland, and lacking in my standards. I put it on here so that I could get some feedback from other users.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChaosdots
    -------------------------------------------



    Is my destiny this,
    To be swallowed without redemption?
    Tortured, twisted can't find my way
    Each step bringing me closer to an uncertain end
    Never seeing the light beckoning me forward
    This dank dreaded tunnel stretches ever onward
    An inner voice whispering bittersweet distruction
    Lingers and taints the innocence I once knew.
    Will no one come to find me?
    Is there no one that cares for my soul?
    This struggle seems endless, so self-defeating,
    Yet my feet still wander this broken path of dreams
    Cutting themselves on shattered shards of hope
    Leaving a bloody trail away from my broken heart.
    With sleep-weary eyes and a grief-stricken soul,
    I surrender my soul to eternal night.




    Submitted on 2006-09-19 09:59:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I would consider maybe expanding my imagery. What I mean is that you seem to be evoking tried and true images, yet such images leave a poem sounding trite. I do not mean to be ugly, only to help you expand your use of words, imagery, metaphor, ect.
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by btgoldman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
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