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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The End of The Nightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 645
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 864



    Description:
       Innocence
    Violation
    Grief
    Veangence


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe End of The Nightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    and so they made
    a terrible mistake;
    raping the Childlike Empress
    the mute muse stripped
    like a minimalist painting,
    as dignities bowed for her
    pretty's sake

    then slit throats
    rose to meet
    the lash of poison tongues;
    the light in the nether
    chamber glistened,
    as she cut the cord
    and crushed
    the kingdoms
    each foul deity had won

    as the sweet shell
    nestled in the chamber
    crouching like a sleek
    round seed; copper cased,
    9mm emmisaries
    kissed the sweaty flesh
    of devils pressed against
    the genome of miracles
    till the dervish danced,
    but not in ecstacy

    death's other kingdom:
    if humanity still
    inhabits flesh,
    bless me




    Submitted on 2006-09-19 11:00:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I have a hard time commenting on your works. I guess its partly because your poems resist criticism in the truest sense of that saying. Whenever i read your work i remember a Literary Types and Techniques class i had many years ago, where the professor spent 14 weeks teaching us to read critically...then threw Kafka at us to remind us that some things are beyond interpretation.

    I remember her saying that when reading critically you have to first 'say what it says' before you can 'say what it means'.

    I have a hard time saying what your poems say. That's why i don't often attempt to say what they mean. I can tell you that, even during my absences from elite your page is one of the ones i sneak by to read on Sunday mornings.

    Anyhow....i wanted to weigh in on this one.

    That ending:

    "death's other kingdom:
    if humanity still
    inhabits flesh,
    bless me"

    ...that ending is powerful, beautiful, and poignant...a real gem

    Now a nitpick...an aesthetic one. For some reason i kept thinking that with all that punctuation, there should be some capitalization somewhere...or perhaps just nix the semi-colons and commas. i dunno. The look of the poem just seems a little out of balance.

    Reading your poems is like talking with a European...makes me sort of feel smarter after the conversation.

    be well friend,
    later,
    kc
    | Posted on 2006-10-01 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Bill,

    As always, you impress me with your images and the strong metaphors you use to highlight certain points that you want us to see.

    I think i'm going to be honest with you at this point. Although i do like most of your work; you have the ability to bring amazing and complex issues wonderfully without taking away the meaning of poetry, this piece didn't really capture me too much. And i did look at it yesterday, wanted to comment but then it was late and i didn't want to say nice things without meaning it. I don't know. I think that although you have many images here that creates a wonderful background, i just made an overall assessment about it and couldn't appreciate it overall maybe because some of those images after reading it didn't really bring as much meaning as it normally would.

    I really don't know if i'm making a point or not. I hope i am. But still, as always, i love your work. It's inspiring to read what new you came about....
    Hope to talk soon.

    Take care....

    ~Irina

    | Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this one goes in another volume. But knowing your work, its one that's being written right now. I felt a door open and a justified rage pour through.

    I agree with Alia and want to see more definition in the beginning strophe just paint the setting a bit more clearly...what did you picture in your own mind as you first wrote this? a line drawing simply done would be fine


    I work with a woman who has schizophrenia. She is often very appropriate but when I stall her immediate gratification her darkside comes out with horns and tail. Please understand that she will eat until she is ill, and ask for more, while her softer personality will tell me all about how she should do the right thing for herself.

    So why did I mention this? Because between the light and darkness, desire is a fatal struggle, the Buddhists were right and take the human struggle to the heart of the matter. And lesser gods tell us how we'll be punished if we choose wrongly, making the concept of deity very limited in scope.

    and so they made
    a terrible mistake;
    raping the Childlike Empress
    as the sweet shell
    nestled in the chamber
    crouching like a sleek
    round seed;
    as each stripped dignity
    bowed for her
    pretty's sake

    then slit throats
    rose to meet
    the lash of poison tongues;
    the light in the nether
    chamber glistened,
    as she cut the cord
    and crushed
    the kingdoms
    each foul deity had won


    copper cased,
    9mm emmisaries
    kissed the sweaty flesh
    of devils pressed against
    the genome of miracles
    till the dervish danced,
    but not in ecstacy

    death's other kingdom:
    if humanity still
    inhabits flesh,
    bless me

    I pulled out a section of S3 and sent it to S1. I don't know but it might be clearer for the entry. And I think the idea is still intact, it's an option you might use. It seems like a different approach but every line is impaling and real in its depth and meaning. touche',

    take care,

    Nan


    | Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Striking, the imagery was slimy, slick, it stood out and made a point.

    If vivid imagery was gold, you could sell this poem and live comfortably and extravagantly for the remainder of your life.

    But don't sell it.
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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