70 Word Short Story, "Mondays" by Pietro

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Submission Name: 70 Word Short Story, "Mondays" dots

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Author:	Pietro
ASL Info:	22/m/cebu
Elite Ratio:	8 - 238/140/30
Words:	75

Class/Type:	Story/Serious
Total Views:	218
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	462

Description:
you cant go on writing poetry all the time. just got tired. besides, i hate reading 9-12 page stories with a million word count- only to find out that whatever the writer was trying to say can be best summed up in a few simple words.

70 Word Short Story, "Mondays" dots

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“Do you love me?” she asked.
“Its funny…” he said, fishing out the last of his cigarettes.
“What is?”
“People, who substitute love with pity, and without fail, mistake one for the other.”

The sharp ring from a lighter echoed. He sat in silence, observing the dusty plumes of nicotine he sent up in the air. She stirred and asked anew;

“Do you pity me?”
“Only on Mondays.” he said.

Submitted on 2006-09-19 16:12:40 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I normally get hacked off with really short stories as very few people can actually write them well, and make me feel as if the story has fulfilled it's potential. For that reason I was slightly wary when I first opened the page. My first thought; 'Wow.'

The mix of comic with deadly serious is very clever. The line:

“People, who substitute love with pity, and without fail, mistake one for the other.”

reminds me very strikingly of a couple of lines from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night with a very close meaning:

"I pity you."
"That's a degree (step) to love.'
"No not a grise (step); for 'tis vulgar proof
That very oft we pity enemies."

The last line however made me smile, as it is fairly well known to all my friends that I HATE MONDAYS!

But yeah, I was suprised by how much I liked this piece, and despite (or perhaps because of) the shortness, how clear the characters seemed in my mind.
| Posted on 2007-01-30 00:00:00 | by selfbetrayal | [ Reply to This ]
  wow!!!
this was a really awesome story, Niko.
you have done an excellent job here. the flow is tremendous as well as the imagery. this may be a short story but it packs a huge message. this is what short stories should be. concise and thought provoking. to me the ending still rolls in my mind. its very much like a haiku or a senryu in that the story lingers in one mind; and the best part is we the reader get to determine the how the rest of the story continues. it causes the mind to imagine and that is the highest form of giftedness. great job!!!

God bless you.
john-paul
| Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
  What's sad is that there are actually people who are OK with that; to be an obligation and expect that maybe... just maybe... some measure of compassion could slide through the cracks and be translated to love.

I'm not really a fan of minimalism right now but I like the stand-alone nature of this piece... it's independence from a premise and a well-conflicted climax. It fits perfectly with the meaning. It has that pedestrian quality that makes it imaginable and, in most cases, lands the sentiment close to home.

And... in the tradition of such a piece... I think it would be better if I end it here.
| Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  glorious!

only on mondays...
that was my line for the longest time.
ask me anything and the answer was 'only on mondays'...

i really am still jealously in awe of you and your abilities and my lack thereof.
my attempts at writing anything other than poetry suck and will never been seen by anything other than the rubbish bin lol.

i like how not only is this a skeleton its also the whole flesh of the piece too if that makes sense.
you said in your description about how so many times you read hundreds of words to find a point that really could have been made in 5 words or what have you and then you show us exactly how its done.
but nothing is lacking here.
its not like its a skeleton with nothing to support it. epic in its simplicity... this is stunning.

you create your characters well.
he seems so flippant and nonchalant and shes so needy and insecure needing to ask how he feels about her...
so few words and not one too many.
this really is stunning pietro!
| Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Ooh! I really enjoyed this. I personally am I fan of short stories. I feel sorry for the lady in this story! I know how she feels... but it is true that people often mistake other feelings for love, only leading themselves on into heartbreak. Nice job! Keep it up:)
Ari
| Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by .:Ari:. | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmm...
Hmmmm....

Yes... yes. I really like this. Quite a bit, quite a bit. Enough that I am going to favorite it. I'll let that do the glorifying for me.

I can think of two very, very slight changes:

The sharp ring from [his/the] lighter echoed. He sat in silence, observing the dusty plumes of nicotine [rising] in the air. She stirred and asked anew[:]

I don't know, do with tha what you will. Maybe the "he said." at the end isn't necassary. I can't decide if I like it better reading it with it or without it. Oh well. Anyway, yep, I really liked this. It's a nice change from poetry and prose.

Justin :D
| Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
  " you cant go on writing poetry all the time. just got tired. besides, i hate reading 9-12 page stories with a million word count- only to find out that whatever the writer was trying to say can be best summed up in a few simple words."

Aye, I understand.... welcome to the land of the cynically creative. Other forms are waiting to be uncovered out there and deep inside the author's psyche.

Go for it!

I remember doing correspondence only on Tuesdays.....
random, eh?
| Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
  It's instead of Its

Also, how about a colon instead of a semicolon after anew?

I like these snapshots, by the way. Where'd you get the idea?
| Posted on 2006-09-23 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]

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