Pondering.. by Maskannai

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Submission Name: Pondering.. dots

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Author:	Maskannai
ASL Info:	25/Female/Utah
Elite Ratio:	4.91 - 171/158/67
Words:	176

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	93
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1141

Description:
I wrote this for a friend when she was telling me how she felt about a girl she knew and wanted to know better..

Pondering.. dots

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Watching from across a crowded room
that seems empty next to her.
I only want to reach out and touch
her strawberry locks,
to feel their natural spring.
Thoughts of caressing her soft velvety skin,
examining every perfect pore
sends shivers down my spine.
I want to know her more intimately
than she can possibly guess,
but the thought of her knowing seems
both scary and exciting.
She smiles across at me
her eyes wrinkling into a smile of their own
and I feel the butterflies in my stomach
do back-flips and flip-flops.
She smooths her hand down her loose
white-ribbed tank
and stops at her bare midriff,
and I feel myself growing warm all over
at the mere sight of her,
a sight that stirs in me
every holy and unholy thought
that I can create.
I take a breath to slow my heart
and try to concentrate on the subject at hand,
but I find my thoughts blurring
till there is nothing left but her,
and I find myself pondering over her smiling eyes.

Submitted on 2006-09-19 21:24:24 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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4: Pretty cool
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||| Comments |||
  Hey Tiffany,

Nice write you have here. Almost an inspiration to write something myself about this topic. It's so totally with us today that we wonder sometimes if anyone who we smile at are interested in you or not.

My b/f has a problem with me talking to guys these days but he has no problem when i talk to girls. One day i got curious and asked him, what if i left him for a girl, how would he feel. He took it as a joke of course, but these days, i don't know, anything can happen right...lol (unlikely though).

Anyhow, i just thought this was a classical example of what our world is coming to not that i have a problem with it, just that the things we didn't worry of before worries us now. I mean i worry all the time that my b/f would turn gay.

In terms of the piece itself, i think it needs a little bit of work. you got your ideas layed out, it's just now you have to find a way that highlights the uniqueness of the poem. To me, it's not totally there although it has the potential to be.

Anyhow, it still inspired me. Don't be surprised if i dedicate my next piece to you.
Hope all is well with you.

~Irina
| Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I'm going to speak my mind before I forget all I have t say. For starters, I thought that your piece needs to be lined up and you should work on your lines breaks, as well. That's one thing. On the other hand, I have to say the write itself was a bit astute particularly at the beginning, I believe that the most effective part was the last one but still…. I was rather irked by all the hackneyed ideas and sentiments you were displaying. I'm sorry if I’m being too harsh.... no offence intended. Additionally, it seems that there's a rhyme scheme intended somewhere but somehow gets blurred along the way.... dunno …….... well, I'm sure you can do better than this....

I guess I don't concur with Loquacious Mind, to each their own I supposed........

Warm regards,

Ethan.

Ps: Fell free to wave aside all I've said.
| Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
  heh, simply quiet and beautiful. absolutely...beautiful.

i was prepared to bash this piece, but your stream of consciousness present here kept me reading all throughout, just anticipating the next peice of imagery hand-fed around the corner.

you had me enthralled, which isn't something that i can say of a lot of work here on ES. to be truthful, if you don't show any creative talent, thought or effort in the first few lines of your piece, i stop reading, press the back button on my browser, and move on. i don't like having my time wasted, and watching some self-subsurbvient [censored] post a half-hearted attempt at a poem on ES to be read, only to go back and look at the dolts, fools and mental peasants' comments on his work telling him how good his weah and chaff bull-story was, when it was actually so dreadful when read aloud, it peels paint from my room walls...

*sighs*, i apologize, but there's nothing...negative i have to offer you on this one, which is quite disheartening in itself for me .

makes me proud actually. i do have one suggestion though. stanzas. i thought that aesthetically this piece was lacking, and could have been brought to the fore-front of lividry with just a little visual styling involved. nice short 4 line stanzas, and perhaps the shortening of a couple lines...or even 8 line stanzas would work well here.

but that's all. this piece is going on my fav's list. this reminded me of a poem i once wrote, on the experiences between a brother and sister, the sensuality that exists btu is ignored due to societal conforms and motives of modern day, and yet, at the end, the break free of the bonds of traditionalism and american morals, and make love under the stars .

*gives you an encore*. i'm going to read some of your other works now.

Loquacious Mind
| Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]

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