Swallowed by the masses by Ethan Brody

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Submission Name: Swallowed by the masses dots

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Author:	Ethan Brody
ASL Info:	27- M - Dunsinane
Elite Ratio:	8 - 356/166/55
Words:	59

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	249
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	449

Description:
I wrote this a couple of months ago.... I haven't written much lately.... in fact, I haven’t' gotten enough inspiration to do so ... I did write something or at least I had a draft of a piece but I kind of lost it .... anyway..... I'm posting this one now.... I hope I can find the other one in a near future .... please tell me what you think about this one..... How makes you feel.... What do you think I'm talking about???? etc..... I know it's not one of the best I've written but I'd like to hear what you think regardless. Bash it if you feel like it.

Swallowed by the masses dots

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Unbroken boundaries
Hammered but not destroyed.
silenced voices
Striving to be heard,
Though surrounded by walls,
Endlessly rooted,
And fiendishly thick.
Small united efforts
Praying for justice,
But then again swallowed,
By merciless oceans,
Of callousness and hate,
And then whipped,
By unrelenting tides,
Of disdain and prejudice.

Submitted on 2006-09-20 01:56:41 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||

Unbroken boundaries
hammered but not destroyed,
silenced voices
striving to be heard.

Through surrounding walls,
endlessly rooted,
and fiendishly thick;
small united efforts
pray for justice,
then again
are swallowed whole.

Merciless oceans
of callousness and hate,
whip unrelenting tides
of disdain and prejudice.

Sounds a bit like the years before the fall of the Berlin Wall back in '89, Ethan. An Iron Curtain mentality that struggles to maintain its individual virtues in the face of unrelenting pressures to conform.

I've made a few tweaks to your post for the sake of lineation and consistency, but whether you choose to use them or not is entirely up to you.

In any case you might consider a slight revision of your own simply for the sake of experimentation.

Take care of yourself.
Bill.

| Posted on 2006-09-22 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  This gives me the notion of someone trying to be heard and understood.
The metaphors are good but placed kind of weakly so to lose the power of the write.
I agree that the opening two lines are very good but after that the write loses steam and for me kind of left me wanting.

I don't bash writies nor do I like to correct grammar so I try to feel what the writer is feeling at the time of the write. For most writers of poems there is a statement trying to escape when they are writing a poem and so I try yo find this.

I feel a sense of helplessness in this write and I don't know if I agree that it could be a voice of minority.
I think it has something to do with trying to achieve something but there are so many roadblocks that it almost seems impossible to do. Then again the minorty thing does take shape here but still I hesitate to give credit to it.

I get a sense of long standing walls that have been in place for years. This could be a family dispute or this could be about a relationship controlled by family. Not sure but it is kind of interesting.

I think that your flow kind of hinders the writers ability to fully understand the write. That is just my take on it though.

I have read and reread this and I can see a minority write in this but I sometimes choose to not see things in that nature because I assume we have come to far into todays society for that to be as profound as in the past. Maybe it my inability to accept that we have not broken those barriers yet. I myself am of mixed ethinic backgrounds as is my wife and we have felt the restraints of it in the past but I am an optimist and hope in the future that the strength of the race barriers will be broken.

Though this write needs some improvement in the flow I do feel the power of the words and the helplessness that the writer is trying to convey.

Nicely done

Respect and Admiration

Clyde
| Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I felt the voice of minority, of course. Whether or not that was your intended effect, there it was; perfectly conspicuous in the middle lines.

Your metaphors give me an image of the early crusades. You know... when religions apart from Christianity are deemed heretic. Back then, if I remember correctly, the symbolic pose was a man with a cross on one hand and a dagger on the other. Something that could be vaguely translated to join us or die.

Anyway, your piece, I think, has the ability to tackle at least more than one issue of discrimination... as well as issues outside that. That, I think, it what gives it power.

I especially have an affinity for "small unified effort." I think that, although it is simple, it gives off that well crafted impoverished feel.

Overall, I think it's a fairly decent piece... and I don't think its strengths and be hindered by whether or not I understood it by some degree or completely.
| Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  well hey.
i hope inspiration finds you sometime soon. i hate it when i cant write. it drives me mad...

i dont think this is as clear as it could be nor as powerful.
i can see you are trying to make a statement of sorts but im not sure you actually make it yet... you are close though.

i think you could lose a few of your commas... they seem completely unnecessary to me... ill mozeee through and show you what i think (though you dont have to do anything with it...)

Unbroken boundaries
Hammered but not destroyed.
Unheard voices
Striving to be heard
Though surrounded by walls
Endlessly rooted
And fiendishly thick.
Small united efforts
Praying for justice
But then again swallowed
By merciless oceans
Of callousness and hate
And then whipped
By unrelenting tides
Of disdain and prejudice.

ok... so i lost all of them.
to me it seems that these are just long sentences with line breaks. i dont think they need commas or pauses... i think that distracts from the over all intent of the piece...
i am wanting to be swallowed... to experience what it is that im guessing i shouldnt experience otherwise...

Unbroken boundaries
Hammered but not destroyed

i love this as an opening line.
i like how you show just how abused the boudaries have been and yet they are not broken... they are not penetrated... they are not destroyed.

Unheard voices
Striving to be heard
Though surrounded by walls
Endlessly rooted
And fiendishly thick.

i think in this bit you have "heard" too close together so i would think about changing one of them. perhaps silenced voices straining to be heard though surrounded by walls...
i appreciate your painting of the walls.
like the boundaries that seem impenetrable these walls also strike me as resistant...

i am questioning whose voice it is that is trying to be heard... voices indicating there is more than one person, being, spirit crying out...

Small united efforts
Praying for justice,
But then again swallowed,
By merciless oceans,
Of callousness and hate,
And then whipped,
By unrelenting tides,
Of disdain and prejudice.

perhaps the voices are the efforts of the pray'ers? if thats the case i think you need to make that clearer somehow...
it does seem that our prayers get over ridden by many other things... that they seem to go unheard or unanswered but well... i like to believe that my prayers are always heard and answered though not always the way i expect them...

what is this justice for which the voices are praying for?
like i said at the start of the comment you have a good groundwork here but you need to be more clear... more specific... more deliberate if you want to make you point and have an impact on the reader...

good work though...
| Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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