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Submission Name: Rebirth dots

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Author:	Poetic
ASL Info:	21/Female/Texas
Elite Ratio:	7.94 - 78/39/19
Words:	311

Class/Type:	Random Thoughts/Angry
Total Views:	199
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1861

Description:
I dont know anymore... i'm so angry lately, i cant write anything... because all i can think about is this! i was doing so good... i was a survivor for many years... but for the past few weeks, i'm feeling more and more like a victim again... i need help, but i dont know who to turn to, who can i trust with this secret that i have kept my whole life...?

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I hear that rape is the death of who you were
and the birth of the nothingness you become.
If thats the case...
you robbed me of my chance to live.
How does it feel?
To take a life?
to hold it in your hands,
then crush it without reguard to it's owner?
Several years after,
You came to me, and asked for forgivness.
It hurt, but I gave that to you.
I told you I forgave you...
but how can I when you've taken so much?
How can you look me in the face,
and ask for my forgiveness...
Then go about life laughing and smiling
as if nothing ever happend?
Did you forget so easily?
Do I mean so little to you?
You may have forgotten...
But I have not.
I will never forget the words you said to me.
The way you crushed me under you.
Held me still, and told me not to cry.
And I didnt... cry that is.
I was too numb by that point,
and too young to really understand.
But I understand now.. perfectly.
How dare you.. how could you?!?
My life has been so fucked up.
I'm fucked up... because of you!
I cant forgive that...
I cant forgive myself...
I'm so numb to everything...
and that alone...
makes me not want to live anymore.
If you can even call this living.
Feeling so hollow inside..
day in day out.
I thought I was over this, but I'm not.
lately i've been going into fits of rage.
feeling so angry.. inside
and I dont even know how to control it.
All I can say now..
who ever said it.... was right.
Rape IS the death of who I never was...
and the rebirth of the nothingness that I am...

Submitted on 2006-09-20 11:35:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I feel the pain that you wrote in this poem, and i can relate to the abuse that you feel, i just so sorry that there are people in this world who would destroy innocense like that, or something that is supposed to be given, not taken. I only wish that i had the answers to your feelings and how to make them go away. If i did then i would be a much happier person. But sadly i dont so i write, much like you do. Excellent work. I will add to fav.
| Posted on 2006-10-30 00:00:00 | by DeathTone | [ Reply to This ]
  From Victim to Survivor and The Child Inside are two poems I have written around this subject. I wrote the poems for much the same reason as you it appears and it helped me. Your poem speaks of bitter resentment and I think it's great what you are doing, because it is the first step of you feeling better. Humour me ok, this is going to sound strange...If you can imagine a bucket, that bucket is your mind. Everyone's bucket is always half full with past, present and future thoughts. If we scoop some of the stuff from the bottom of the bucket, it gives us more room at the top. If we do not think about what is at the bottom of the bucket and we hide it all away, the bucket gets more and more full until it overflows. Water comes over the top of the bucket - this is your anger, it probably comes in waves and when it does come, it comes out with tremendous force, probably suprising you as much as those around you. If you imagine that same bucket is constantly filled with water, eventually it will rust, this rust causes holes and water drops escape - this comes in the form of tears, you may find yourself crying for long periods of time for a reasons you really can't explain. Please don't be afraid of these bouts of anger and tears, they are your body's way of letting some out, it is for self preservation that you need to cry and be angry.

Have you ever written down how you feel? This can help. Write a note to him. Swear at him, tell him how he has fuc*ed up your life, scream at him on paper. Put the paper away so no-one can see it and the next day, read it. Let yourself see and feel your own pain, don't hide it away or feel ashamed. Be yourself for a while and screw everyone else.

I hope you don't think I am lecturing you, I just want to help you, as I was helped.

I wish I could make it better for you. Life is so unfair. I think the thing that scared me above anything else, was that I had lived for so long with my past, that the thought of giving it up and moving on scared me. I was scared because if it went, what the hell would I replace it with?!

But I have moved on, with difficulty and so will you when you are ready.

For now, write as much as you like, let it out and hold your head up high. Your words are tense and emotional but they will heal you eventually.

Please take care. Mel.
| Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
  I can so relate to your frustration that this has stopped all the creative flow in you... so many experiences that you collect in your lifetime finally overtake you and just drag you under. You never really get past things, I'm learning... you can block them out but they're always at the bottom, waiting to slide up and pull you under again. It is a slow death, isn't it? One that never quite takes you all the way out. You come to a point where you put yourself back into things that will repeat the pattern, which makes no sense but it's like a confirmation of sorts... hard to feel and even harder to express. There must be an angry moon tonight, because everyone seems to be flowing in the same bitter current. If good thoughts help, then please know you have mine. Keep writing ... it eventually will work itself out, if you can keep poison draining. Silence is the true infection.
| Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]

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