"Poor Me" Sympathies
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Description:
A rewrite, but better.
"Poor Me" Sympathies
I kept your photograph They bring me down and bring up the past Of the one who turned away Without ever looking back I wonder if she’d think of me If I wasn’t who I used to be: The one you fell in love with When you were just nineteen I’ve suffered for the things I’ve done Don’t believe you’re the only one Who experienced loves bitter taste It leaves you when it’s gone It was another place, in another time I broke your heart, a bit too unkind But sometimes you judge who you are By those you have to leave behind Hey there man, standing behind the bar, “Poor Me” sympathies in my jar I never knew of anyone Dying of a broken heart Tells me real love never hurts Well then its something worse It was nothing more Then a shot in the dark I last seen her down on Bourbon Street And her signs read neon vacancy But my kind is not welcome there And there’s no room in her for me G'night to the one with the stars in her eyes I’m toasting champagne to you tonight Dreaming of famous brown eyes In a world washed in black and white Hey there man, standing behind the bar, “Poor Me” sympathies in my jar I never knew of anyone Dying of a broken heart Tells me real love never hurts Well then its something worse It was nothing more Then a shot in the dark I have my memories in my head And in an old shoebox beneath my bed I know every word by the letter And how each line will be read And I kept your photograph I dig them up cuz you can’t bury the past But I’d never admit to that no I’d never admit to that |
Submitted on 2006-09-21 00:16:40 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| I think this is better than the first one you wrote. I liked the first one but reading this second one it seems you've added more detail. It makes your ideas really flow. :) The only thing I see that you need to change is "Then" in the "Then a shot in the dark" to "Than". "Than a shot in the dark" is the way I believe you want it to be read. I love this line "Don't believe you're the only one". Often times when I'm in over my head with work and school and whatnot I'll finally just take a breath and remember that I'm not the only one who has felt that way. Same with your piece - no matter what you are feeling someone else has felt it too. That's what I believe anyway. I also realllllly love the lines "But sometimes you judge who you are/By those you have to leave behind". You speak the truth my friend. I believe that wholeheartedly. Ahh, this was an excellent write. I'm sorry it took me 15 days to respond to it...thanks for being an awesome friend. :) Hugs and love, Beth | Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ] | nice. very nice. i can feel your sadness. starts beautifully ends beautifully. great song. wish i could hear it. loved all of it. can't really find anything to criticise except that in the last line of the chorus it probably should be "than" instead of "then". | my respect to you. it's a beautiful write. Zuheir... | Posted on 2006-10-02 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ] | I really liked these lyrics, sounds like a sad country song. i could almost hear the music. i liked how you gave us a story to follow in this, no two stanza's were the same, which helps to keep the reader interested... they always want to know whats next. | the only real problem that i had with this, was in the 3rd and 5th stanza, the line : "Cuz then I had it all wrong then from the start" i liked this line, but i didnt think it was as powerful as it could have been. it was a little hard to read, simply because i had to read the same word twice. i myself think it would be more powerful, and flow a little better if you would take one or both of the "then"'s out of this line. other than that, i thought this was a really great write, and i will be keeping an eye on what you come up with next ;-) -Poetic | Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by Poetic | [ Reply to This ] | would make a great song...wish i had the music behind it.... | Hey there man, standing behind the bar, “Poor Me” sympathies in my jar that was just pure brilliance...it really blew my mind...there wasn't really anything that i could critique about this...except for the bit of awkwardness in Cuz then I had it all wrong then from the start but maybe if i heard it sung or had the music it wouldn't seem so awkward... But sometimes you judge who you are By those you have to leave behind those were also really good lines...the lyrics were full of great lines...so this would be an easy song to remember.... so yeah, the only thing that i didnt like was the repetition of the word 'then'....but like i said, maybe it's different when it's heard and not read | Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ] | This is good. This would make a wonderful song. The flow and rhyme are really well done and it expresses some good emotion. The detail it provides allows the reader to see and feel all of what you are expressing. I love the reference to the photographs, it is so true that they can be quite painful reminders of love had and lost. I have a few of them myself and stumble across them from time to time. I enjoyed reading this. Nice work. | Lorna  | Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ] | This was sad but i really liked it. I enjoyed the whole thing and i thought it was very well written. The whole thing was good to me and i liked the way you ended this, especially the last few lines. | "I dig them up cuz you can’t bury the past But I’d never admit to that no I’d never admit to that" ~Samm | Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by LoveToHateMe | [ Reply to This ] | hope it wasnt from experience! but it is a great poem and i felt it totally! id say its perfect! touching and plus it tells a story.. so thats always fun to follow. you keep a readers attention | | Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by blonde_honey418 | [ Reply to This ] | |
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