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My Death

Author: rememberplaydoh
Elite Ratio:    4.19 - 78 /103 /60
Words: 107
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1472
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 830


My Death

You are my death,
you're my suicide,
effectively drawing
the life from my veins.

From the moment your fangs
entered my flesh
and my "crimson waters"
flowed "into your inlet."

I've succumbed to your will,
you're power's complete.
You suck out my lifeblood
leaving naught but my shell.

Inside, I grow empty,
and cold, and lifeless,
but somehow I'm warm
dying here in your arms.

I'm losing myself
my mind, life, and body.
I cry out to you
but you're not really there.

Now slowly I'm fading
like the warmth from your body.
You're drawing away,
leaving me here to die.

Submitted on 2006-09-21 12:34:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  not my favorite...the subject matter is totally played out...everything about vampires has been written already, so when i read a piece about vampires it sounds like any other piece...and i'm left wanting...
the write itself had some good images i will admit...
loosing should be losing...
all in all it was wasn't a bad write don't get me wrong, but...if you want to improve this piece, you'll have to add more to it, or change it a bit...go on this page and find vampire pieces and see what they're about, and then try to write something completely different...
| Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
  wow this is truly a pwerfull peice of art i like they way you decribed being drained of your life
its dark sad and powerfull a brilliant combination

this is my favorite stanza

Inside, I grow empty,
and cold, and lifeless,
but somehow I'm warm
dying here in your arms

from what i get from this peice is that your being drained by someone you love but you dont want to leave because you love this person so much and so you choose to have your soul die as long as the last remaining thing you see is that person. its sounds like you a truly devoted soul. if im rightmay i give a bit of advice if you truly love this person then show it to that person that your being hurt and if that peroson truly loves you then she will change her way or a least start trying although it might not seem like allot if you work hard and your other works just as hard on the relationship then the once dead end that you thought your life will become a highway love is a powerfull thing. but if im compleatly wrong and compleatly misunderstood the meaning of this peice then im teribly sorry for taking up your time and consuming space where valid responses could have been.
i hope things turn out for the best

-the poet
| Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by runaway_poet | [ Reply to This ]

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