Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Mental Masterpiecedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Twice
    Elite Ratio:    4 - 71/82/52
    Words: 60
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 638
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 488



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Mental Masterpiecedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Blood
    Murcury Red
    Warm dew drops on skin
    Flood
    Bleach white beds
    Picasso's not dead
    He lies here
    In the smears
    Of life
    Strife
    With paint brush percision
    Slippery slits
    Fit
    Oil based viens
    Paints a masterpiece
    Of insane
    Steel salvation
    For a mental patients
    Multiply like sins
    Lost beginings
    I cringe
    At the sight
    Of your Genius




    Submitted on 2006-09-21 17:56:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Criticisms: multiple mispellings. consider to your capitalization. the first word of every line is capitalized and that is not correct grammar. consider as well punctuation, such as commas. seems trite i know, but it can be a very necessary part of building tension (which is a good thing) in your poetry.

    Also,I don't get the meaning of the poem. But that's okay. I may be simply stupid - there is evidence both for and against the hypothesis.

    The title: bold. too bold for this point in the development of the poem, with such flaws present.

    Praise: good language - steel salvation was my favorite part. like also the reference to mental patients. the structure is strong as well. you build tension with the short lines and i can clearly see the transition in your work from one point to the next - even if i don't get the point. you were consistent throughout in terms of the structure and of the tone. it was serious from beginning to end.

    Overall: this could be a 'mental masterpiece,' as you say. but it would suggest i have a mediocre mind - which a pretty good assumption as well. my advice: clarify. blood on my arm-beach-picasso buried-mental patients-genius. im not there yet.

    Art Lives!
    T.j.
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
      The last line though it off cause it seems as if you are talking about more than one person... The poem is a bit ridgid in smoothness but it can be fixed
    | Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by Evil Jesture | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    118971

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry